i get sad when no one comments on my entries. yes, i'm fully aware that i never have anything to talk about, but so freaking what? comment.

i'm moving into my first apartment (off-campus), and i'm tres excited! i'll be living with one of my friends, and it shall be great! and school is starting in less than a month! (which i think is bad, because i'm having like an early mid-life crisis, and i don't know what i want to major in right now. i'm having a lot of doubts about music, and also German. i have no clue what i want to do!!!) help me!

I'm @ SLCC. I just finished my math class, and I just thought I'd briefly rant about that, and also how terrible I think my life is going right now. Firstly, my math professor. If I had to describe him in several words, I would pick: creepy, Hitleresque, pretentious, ugly, creepy, slow, monotone, retarded, creepy, boring, and (oh yeah...) creepy. Bleh. Now, I've pondered committing suicide before, but never NEVER as seriously as when I'm in his class. CHECK PLEASE!!!!!

So, germanmuse, why are you complaining that your life is so miserable... again? Because, people, I am living with my parents. Its really self-explanatory. They are overly-strict, close-minded/shallow, pretentious, they don't like that I'm Vegetarian, they would FREAK if they knew I was questioning religion and not really liking Christianity right now, and they've made their other children into psycho clones that are equally vapid and egocentric. I. HATE. LIVING. HERE. GET. ME. OUT. NOW.! And.... I emailed Szalay yesterday, mostly asking her if she could tell me my grade on the German final, and telling her that I missed her and that I hope she has a good summer, and she replies and is all up in my face about everything, and blah blah blah You-got-a-good-score-but- I-have-to-talk-to-you-reg arding-the-final crap. What the hell? *grunts* Okay- why don't you just tell me? Why freak out that I say I miss you? I was just trying to be nice, and besides- we're FRIENDS! Considering we haven't communicated with one another for over 3 weeks, I thought it would be nice to say something. But JEEZ- why freak out? She has got to get over herself and calm down. For God's sake...

So anyway, I've just mega-uber-depressed lately, and I refuse to snap out of it. My depression is a place where I can hide. Yes, I'm aware that hiding ISN'T a good thing to do, but I feel like it, okay? I don't want to be "out there" right now. I just want to be alone, enjoy my music and writing, and enter yet another cataclysmic gorge of depression in my life. Just leave me alone.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I just need to say that Radiohead is the GREATEST band ever. I just can't get enough of them!!! And actually, I've only listened to their HttT album, so I can only imagine how wonderful their other albums are. And speaking of (new) music, I just bought "18" by Moby today. I love me some Moby, too. I also listened to the new NIN CD, and I must say that I am in no way impressed or taken by it. I think its Trent's worst effort yet. Bleh.

And the weirdest thing happened today. Around about 8pm tonite, I became (all of a sudden) extremely melancholy/depressed. I've been listening to Radiohead, Moby, and NIN (Further Down the Spiral) since then, and I can't bring myself to listen to anything else. I'm not entirely sure I know why I'm feeling this way. I should actually be very HAPPY. I just finished all my finals (including violin jury- which I feel I did well on), and pretty much everything is going well for me. I feel I can pinpoint my depression to at least one thing (though its not entirely logical to me as to why its a "cause" for my depression): Szalay. We've finally become "friends," which is something I've wanted for so long, but I have discovered (more like have come to realize) something about here that is driving me absolutely CRAZY. She has a huge ego problem. She is always saying stuff like: "You're so conscientious- just like me" or "You have the drive to succeed- just as I do," and she's always dissing other students who aren't as "dedicated," "intelligent," "intellectually curious," or "bright" as WE are. Its not that I have a problem with her praising me (although its not my favorite type of thing. I just don't like praise that much), but I just wish that she would not think herself so superior, and that she would treat all her students equally. I don't think its entirely their fault if they are as "smart" or "driven" as she is. Not everyone is like that, and not everyone thinks/works like her. It really bothers me. And as a teacher myself, I can say that sure- there are students who do better than others, students who have more (natural) talent, and students who care more or who are more interesting, but I've NEVER treated one student "better" than another, no matter HOW much I may enjoy their personalities or have enjoyed watching them play. I just don't think its right! As a teacher, your JOB is to teach everyone, to encourage everyone, and be rooting for ALL of your students the very same amount: A LOT! So I must say this: Szalay used to be a role model for me. I use to truly enjoy her personality, and I used to try to teach my own students using some of her methods and personality quirks. Well, that all ends today. I can stand back and admire her for what she has accomplished with her life, but I don't feel that I can get over this bias she has towards her "other" students. Why is it that people who have spent so much of their lives seeking education, have no common sense/courtesy? Why must that always be the way of things?

Sorry, I didn't mean to vent so much, but that's REALLY been bothering me. I just can't stand people who do stuff like that. Its not right. At any rate, I am also a bit melancholy, because this school year is finally over. I will be moving in with my parents for the summer, and I will be working yet another crappy job. I will have to put up with my diabolical dad and his "ways" which I have undoubtedly discussed in vivid detail to you many times. I will have to leave all of my friends, hobbies, and life up here at school. I will turn off my brain and emotions, and most likely be near-dead the entire summer. This will probably be the last journal entry until late August (though- if I get the opportunity- I'd like to sneak one or two entries in over the summer, to keep you updated), so until then-

Auf Wiedersehen.

DAMN!!!! I just wrote the most wonderful blog about school and life and Star Wars  Episode 3, and stupid tblog.com just ATE IT!!!!! *screams and grunts loudly and gets dirty looks from people around her*

I shall put it in a nutshell: This past week has busy and stressful. Tis been the week of Finals and a million performances. I have been really exhausted and cranky. My brain hurts from the studying, and I haven't done ANYTHING productive yesterday, and today I worked out and deep-cleaned my apartment.

I have now been officially vegetarian for 3 weeks, and I'm loving every minute of it. Meat is disgusting to look at, to cut into, to chew and taste, and it is wrong to kill animals to get it. I don't care if the freakin Bible says that God gave us animals to kill and eat. I just don't think its right. Vegetables and fruits are beautiful to look at and to taste. And I heavily believe that American diets are too heavily-centered around meat, and that they eat too much of it. *gags* Bleh.

Also, I am EXTRAORDINARILY INCREDIBLY OVEREXCITED about Star Wars Episode 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! I am- of course- planning on going to the first midnight screening of it. I called my dad the other day having an absolute panic attack, and fretting over whether or not he has the tickets!!!!!! I'm planning on the buying the soundtrack (courtesy of the wonderful John Williams [despite my firm belief that he rips off Wagner, Tchaikovsky, Holst, and his own music on a regular basis]), and I was yelling at my dad, trying to get him to understand how incredibly urgent and important it is for him to go buy the tickets NOW, whether it be online, through the black market, or at the theatre itself. I think I kind of freaked him out in my moment of over-zealousness. Oh well. Star Wars is my very favorite *is listening to the Episode 6 soundtrack now*

Auf Wiedersehen for tonite, people. Eat your vegetables, listen to Radiohead and John Williams, boycott Reality TV, and watch The X-Files (which is my new obsession, because its the greatest TV series EVER).

I've been getting really into philosophy lately, as well the beliefs and ideals of other religions and religious leaders. I found a wonderful website ( http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi.html" title="http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi.html" target="_blank"http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi... ) that provided me with some good quotes and brain food from Gandhi. I think you may enjoy it!

"Mohandas Karamachand Gandhi, one of the most influential figures in modern social and political activism,
considered these traits to be the most spiritually perilous to humanity.

Wealth without Work
Pleasure without Conscience
Science without Humanity
Knowledge without Character
Politics without Principle
Commerce without Morality
Worship without Sacrifice

[ QUOTES: ]
Peace will not come out of a clash of arms but out of justice lived and
done by unarmed nations in the face of odds.

Democracy and violence can ill go together.
Evolution of democracy is not possible if we are not prepared to hear the other side.
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

Hatred ever kills, love never dies; such is the vast difference between the
two. What is obtained by love is retained for all time. What is obtained by
hatred proves a burden in reality for it increases hatred.

Non-cooperation with evil is a sacred duty.

You assist an evil system most effectively by obeying its orders and decrees.
An evil system never deserves such allegiance. Allegiance to it means partaking of the evil.
A good person will resist an evil system with his or her whole soul.

Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is
mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man

It may be long before the law of love will be recognized in international
affairs. The machinery's of government stand between and hide the hearts of
one people from those of another.

To forgive is not to forget. The merit lies in loving in spite of the vivid
knowledge that the one that must be loved is not a friend.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

What kind of victory is it when someone is left defeated?

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Whether humanity will consciously follow the law of love, I do not know.
But that need not disturb me. The law will work just as the law of gravitation works, whether we accept it or not.
The person who discovered the law of love was a far greater scientist than any of our modern scientists.
Only our explorations have not gone far enough and so it is not possible for everyone to see all its workings.

Violent means will give violent freedom.

However much I may sympathize with and admire worthy motives, I am an
uncompromising opponent of violent methods even to serve the noblest of
causes.

Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the
other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more
effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.

Man and his deed are two distinct things. Whereas a good deed should call
forth approbation, and a wicked deed disapprobation, the doer of the deed,
whether good or wicked always deserves respect or pity as the case may be.

Hate the sin and not the sinner is a precept which though easy enough to
understand is rarely practiced, and that is why the poison of hatred
spreads in the world.

Nonviolence and cowardice are contradictory terms. Nonviolence is the
greatest virtue, cowardice the greatest vice. Nonviolence springs from
love, cowardice from hate. Nonviolence always suffers, cowardice would
always inflict suffering. Perfect nonviolence is the highest bravery.
Nonviolent conduct is never demoralizing, cowardice always is.

Destruction is not the law of humans. Man lives freely only by his
readiness to die, if need be, at the hands of his brother, never by killing him.
Every murder or other injury, no matter for what cause, committed or inflicted on
another is a crime against humanity.

Man's nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield
to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature.

Nonviolence is not a garment to be put on and off at will.
Its seat is in the heart, and it must be an inseparable part of our being.

It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say.

It is the law of love that rules mankind. Had violence, i.e. hate, ruled us
we should have become extinct long ago. And yet, the tragedy of it is that
the so-called civilized men and nations conduct themselves as if the basis
of society was violence.

Gandhi was once asked what he thought about western civilization. His
response was: "I think it would be a good idea." "

Thank you again to http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi.html" title="http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi.html" target="_blank"http://www.sfheart.com/Gandhi... and please let some of Gandhi's wisdom sink into your heart and affect your thoughts and life. I really support and love Gandhi, and I wish everyday for the kinder, softer, less angry and violent sides of man to show themselves. We have too much anger, violence, and materialism in the world today. The World Is Too Much With Us.

Auf Wiedersehen, meine Freunden.

Man, what the HECK???? I am feeling SO depressed today. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like I am the most ignorant person in the world; not to mention the most unwanted, and the ugliest, stupidest. I have no confidence in my self-image. I feel really fat (I weight about 152. You decide. Is that fat? I think its huge.), and I don't like any of my personal features. I always feel like I'm being outdone. I know there are  people out there who are much better looking, more talented, more desireable, more successful, more beautiful... and I can't help but sit here and wish I had everything they have. Occasionally, a day will go by where I feel pretty good about myself. On those days, I'm a little more confident in my skills, looks, and potential. You can see it on my face. Likewise, you could tell that today, just by looking at me, I'm having the worst day ever. In all actuality, its been like the worst week ever. Its undescribable. I am also currently feeling like a big reject, a big failure, and a big disappointment. I'm seriously doubting whether ANYONE truly likes me right now, if even a little bit. I always feel like I must be the person who is the comedic relief, or the person who has all the right answers and should NEVE R be a disappointment, or the person who is this or that. I always feel as though, if I don't live up to every expectation that every person has for me, I will be an unwanted failure. And honestly, that is my biggest fear. Sometimes its hard for me to have motivation to do ANYTHING, because I'm too stressed by the above mentioned mindset. Am I too hard on myself? I think I'm too laidback about everything, personally. And I get REALLY mad at myself for not being productive. For example, I haven't practiced violin for about two weeks. Now, I do enjoy a good practice session, but for some reason I dread MAKING myself go practice. And I can be a procrastinator. But the ONLY things I EVER procrastinate on are math, and huge (boring-topic) essays. I'll do just about everything else on time/at a decent rate. But I wish I WASN'T that way. I wish I was perfect. And I feel guilty for skipping classes. I was doing absolutely super, attendance-wise, during the first part of this semester, but now everything is being thrown out the window. I have skipped math about 3 crucial times, which I feel absolutely terrible about. :( And I have not gone to 2 classes of Music Theory. Geez. Maybe its the morning? I believe that some mornings bring out the worst in me. [n] Is it normal for people to not have any desire to complete certain tasks, or go to certain meetings/classes? Or am a lone, incompetent slacker? Man, I suck. :( IDIOT!!!

Anyway, I feel that somewhere, deep down, I am a good person. Perhaps I deserve good things, and good people in my life. I just wish I could have more confidence. I think that would help me solve a lot of things. And I think I could have confidence if I looked better. I get a fair amount of compliments here and there, but I'm hard-pressed to believe them. I always feel like people are lying to me. I know exactly why I have that problem, and I wish that I could get over that, and get on with my life. And for most of my life, I've had most (like 85%) of my family members, as well as kids that I went to school with in Elementary school & Junior High, tell me that I'm stupid, and that I'm ever going to succeed or amount to anything, and that I'm too fat, and that I will never be beautiful, and that no man will ever want to marry me because I am a horrible person. Gee- I guess I've never really thought about all of this with such depth. MAN I have problems. But I guess it would be fair to say they are not all my fault. Actually, most of them are, but my lack of confidence obviously stemms from a horribly underloved childhood. Do you think it would be fair to say that?

Anyway, that was all kind of draining, but I actually feel a little bit better. Man, I love writing. I'm not a great writer, but nevertheless, it still helps me make sense of some things. Thank you- anyone- for reading this. I would appreciate it if anyone could leave me a little response saying, perhaps, something small but kind to cheer me up a bit. Thank you much!

Auf Wiedersehen.

my current mood is unsettled, and somewhat low-spirited. i just found out that sean is writing to everyone else but me. i think he hates me, and that- of course- makes me most sad. he means so much to me, and has always been so perfect... why would he not write me? i often set aside my time to write to him, and he knows how much he means to me, so what is going on? is this a sign? are we never supposed to be together? never supposed to be friends? have i missed my opportunity to be with him? i kind of hate him right now. oh wow- i don't think i've ever been so despondent in my entire life as i am now. way to go bucket- you just ruined my day...

i refuse to use the shift key tonight. this is all very "e.e. cummings," and i don't care if you hate me for it.

besides from that huge piece of depression- i suppose everything else is going moderately well for me: school, familial relations, german, friends, music classes. but just moderately- never great. not for me. i feel as though something weird is going on between me and els- like a conflict, but not really. i suppose i don't know how to explain it! it feels as though something isn't right between us. this entire day has really made me feel out of "alignment" with everything. i hate days like this! [n] on the other hand, i did just get a "a-" on my german midterm, and that is good news for me. i've been kind of secretly mad at my mom lately, for several reasons. but what is weird is that she always just ignores it, and tries to brush things over and hide them. as long as we just make small talk, we get along. i don't think she ever really listens to me. she doesn't even know what i'm majoring in or what classes i'm taking. that is rather depressing! and i've been too bummed lately to practice violin. i can't remember the last time i practiced it! oh well. i didn't even go to lessons on tuesday. i didn't even tell him i wasn't coming to lessons- i just didn't show up. i've also become slightly despondent about teaching, too-- at least today. i have recently acquired another violin student, and i must say that she frustrates me to no end. i believe she has adhd, and needs an attitude adjustment. i try to have the patience of Job with her, and i try to give her as much encouragement as possible. i can tell that she has potential to be good, and i want to do everything in my part to help develop her talent! it is a dream of mine to have a really talented student- like a virtuoso or something. maybe my little japanese student will be that way. he's so smart- i never have to tell him anything twice! he just remembers it right as i tell it to him: it is really quite remarkable! at any rate, i think it would be great to be the teacher/mentor who fostered some child's musical talent(s)! don't you think?

whatever. i'm done rambling. my life has kind of hit a lull. everything feels out of sorts, and it seems as though everyone is out to get me. but i'm kind of a naturally paranoid person sometimes anyway. i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe i just need to sleep it off? well, the weekend is nearly upon me, and i hope by next week i can be feeling better. after i take my music theory and tympani tests, that is. bleh.

i miss sean, and i hope he doesn't hate me. if he doesn't write to me within the next month, i will surely have a mental relapse, and become incurably despondent. can you believe how much i freak out over this boy? can you see what he means to me? its incredible.

auf wiedersehen.

Wow- its been such a long time since I've posted. (Not that it matters- I don't have any dedicated fans or anything....)

I feel like I have really changed in the last few months, and that it has been for the better. I have really strived to become a more informed person. I always hate when I feel stupid (and by that I mean, I hate when I don't know the answer, or when I feel left out because I don't know [about] something). I've also tried to be a much better student, attending all of my classes, and being a dedicated student. I've tried to practice violin more, and to really care about it, and focus on improving. I'm going through a rough phase right now, though, but it is for the better (and I won't go into detail. Please just take my word for it).

Familial relations aren't so hot right now, but honestly I don't really care. I respect my family, and I do care about them, but I just don't look up to them very much, and I have finally come to accept that I am very different from them, and will never really fit in. That is completely fine with me. I know that I will lead a much better and more exciting life than ANYONE in my family!!!!! I refuse to sell myself short, and lead a simple routine life, like my mother (and like most other people in my family). I want to get a PhD. Why? Because out of ALL 4 sides of my "family," I would be the first female to have obtained one, and probably the first person ever. Wouldn't that be cool? I know that I have the potential, the brains, and the dedication to do it, and that it probably wouldn't even be that hard for me. I know I have a lot of talent, and smarts, but sometimes I just suffer from major self-confidence problems, and I'm afraid to believe in myself. But I think I am done with that. Why, you ask? Well, I guess I can tell you, though I am afraid that I will jinx my extraordinary stroke of luck: My biggest wish has come true. Me and Szalay are finally at the stage of being "friends." How did this happen? Well, last week there was the German midterm test, and I just wasn't feeling quite on top of things, so I went to Szalay's evening course, just for the extra review. After class, I waited till everyone else had left, because I wanted to thank her for letting me come, and to give her some feedback about the class (cuz I just like talking with her). She was gathering all of the her stuff up, and I offered to help her. So then we're walking out to her car, and she offers to give me "a ride" over to my car (oh- she's so cute!) Then we pull up next to my car, and we were just talking and talking. She says something like "You're so smart. I know you can go far in your life. You could be going to Harvard! You deserve the best! You deserve a good marriage, kids, and all the success in the world!" It was the NICEST thing anyone has ever said to me, and it has given me all the confidence in the world. Words cannot express how much she has meant to me. Considering all of things I have had to go through, and all of the people and events I have had to deal with, it is just nice to have someone who has unconditional care and support for you. I'm just waiting for her to kind of "flip out" and begin ignoring me, like everyone else has. It is most unfortunate that I have to think this way. Anyway, she is precisely what I need in my life right now. I just need someone to be there and support me, and build my non-existent confidence, and believe in me. No one has ever done that for me before, and I've really struggled with just about everything, but now everything is okay. She says that I'm an "intellectual" and that she really enjoys talking with me, and that "we should go out to lunch sometime." I'm absolutely ELATED about that. Maybe this is all too fantastical for you, and maybe I'm obsessed, but is it wrong for me to have taken a liking to someone who likes me back? I don't really think so.

Sean has been in Tokyo for quite sometime now. I, of course, have been terrible at writing him. I've only written him once since he left. I have most of another letter written, but I just have to finish it and mail it. Believe it or not, I've actually been REALLY busy this past month. I've picked up two new violin students (putting me up to 3), and I've remained much busier and more productive. Anyway, my life sucks, but I don't really mind it so much right now. I'm only frustrated that I have no money, and that my family bugs me.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Hallo jeder!

Ich bin sehr krank heute, und ich möchte schlafen alle Tag. Auch, ich bin sehr mude.

Okay- that's about it for now. I know neither past tense nor half the verbs I'd like to, so I cannot provide as much blogging-in-German as I'd like to. Oh well. I am COMPLETELY sick today. I haven't felt this crappy in a long time. My throat feels all swollen and scratchy, and my body aches. I came home after teaching last night, and went to bed at 8pm, and fell asleep at 8:30. I woke up at 3:30 this morning, and then forced myself to sleep until 7. Then I called my mom (on my new paid-for-by-my-parents cell phone) and was nearly crying because I felt like crap. I called my grandma afterwards, and she gave me a "recipe" for something that would make my throat feel better, and it worked. As I laid there for the next hour or so, I couldn't help but feel entirely guilty and unproductive. So I pulled myself out of bed, cleaned my room (mostly), did some homework, and forced myself to come down the comm center to do some laundry and online homework. Gee- that more productive than I've been all week. But I can't help it- I feel totally guilty if I'm just laying there not doing anything. Character fault- I am not to blame.

Anyway, other than being sick, everything seems to be going quite well for me. I'm quite excited. Family relations are at an all time great, I have been paid for teaching and now have enough money for groceries, German is coming along better, and the only thing that could be better is music. Its actually fine, but I missed my lesson last Tuesday and haven't practice much, both because I have not felt well. Hopefully this little cold will go away soon. I don't want it to affect me at all this next week.

I feel SO bad for not writing Sean more often. I actually have a letter all written and ready to mail, but I have just kept forgetting to buy stamps. I'm so terrible! :(  I have to write him more often, or he's going to hate me and not want to have anything to do with me. And we all know that I don't want that. Next paragraph.'

Now I just need to rant and rave about how great the band "Rammstein" is. I have been TOTALLY obsessed with them lately, and I'm excited that I get do my semester project for German on them. Totally cool. They just have such a great powerful sound. I kind of realized this morning that I'm completely (over-) obsessed with European music, whether its classical or rock or whatever. Europeans just do it better. Rammstein rules!

Well, Valentine's Day is Monday and I will, again, be alone. How depressing. It will be a chick-flick kind of night for Laurie. Unless by some miracle someone asks me to go on a date on Monday. I sure hope so, but I won't get my hopes up. About the only thing I have to look forward to next week is the arrival of a Rammstein CD I bought online last week. That should freaking rock. That, and I just found out that The Killers are coming here on tour again in a month or so. I am SO going to see them... if I can find someone to go with. Oh please! Bis spaeter.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I love how no one ever comments on my blog. Is it that bad, really? *shrugs and smiles because she knows the answer to this* Oh well.

Not that you were disappointed or anything, but sorry for not writing in so long. I've been beyond busy this past week. I guess that's a good thing, right? Its good to stay busy, and keep one's mind off of certain events and/or people. Well this week I've been doing a lot of thinking about everyting. And I mean A LOT. I've been trying to do this, so that I can figure myself out, and deal with the lot of problems that I seem to be having.

Conclusion #1 (and its a BIG one): I have major issues with my parents, and I think that contributes largely to why I have taken such a liking with Prof Szalay. My parents have spent the past 13 years (directly as much as indirectly) telling me that I was unacceptable, intolerable, and that I would never be successful, loved, or happy. They try to negate everything that I do. My mom seems to hate my strong-mindedness (is that a word?). She hates that I've always had my own style, thoughts, views, and interests (even if she won't admit it, she's implied that se feels this way). She is constantly telling me that she hates the way I dress, and complains that I don't wear enough makeup, and freaks out that I don't like having my hair curled perfectly, and perfectly shaped. 
My mom has always made me feel unaccepted, inferior, and unimportant. She told me once that she really wasn't a "kids" kind of person, and would rather have married Frank, lived in a mansion with the perfect life, furniture, husband and hair. I know that she resents Craig and, at least to some point, Rick (though not so much lately). I knew that I was never, and would never be, very important to her, from as far back as I can remember. I have no childhood memories of her; she was always gone- dating, working, etc. Then she meets Rick, and they get married and go on their honeymoon OVER my fifth birthday, while I stayed at home with her parents, whom I lived with from birth to then, since my mom divorced my asshole birthfather a few weeks after I was born (can't blame her there...). My life has been depressing, tortured, and generally terrible since then. HE thought I had major mental issues, because I didn't take a liking to him. (Note to Rick: not many children "take a liking" to the step-parent. Think about it...) Anyway, he kept taking me to counseling, which I honestly don't remember. I don't remember anything, really, about my childhood. It was a terribly empty and lonely experience that I have obviously pushed out of my mind. I'm glad that I don't remember it. And back to having no memory of my mom as a child- I don't think I have any memories with her in them until I was like 13 or 14. Isn't that weird? Well, I honestly don't have much to remember about her. She was always mad at me, and spent every waking moment of her life cleaning, and wishing that her life was something more. She RARELY ever sat down to play games with me, or support me with dance and music, or to just enjoy my company. Still doesn't. And I can't help but her resent her for that. All I pretty much want is to have her acceptance.  All I've wanted my entire life is a mom who would love me for me, and be my friend. A mom who would take a genuine interest in my hobbies, and support all my ideas and goals, no matter how absurd or far-fetched they may have seemed. I feel this is not a giant request. It is, rather, a small request, which I feel should have been innate within the parent to begin with. I've even told her my feelings about this all, and she denies everything, and tries to turn the story upside down, as to make me into some kind of bad guy.
And then there's my step-father (Rick). I don't even know where to begin with him. He's always had this Faschist Dictatorship outlook on our relationship, wherein he was the Ultimate Controller. Whatever he said was right, and was to be happily conceded with and never disputed, whether or not he was really correct or accurate. His motto (which he has implied, and sometimes even blatantly stated, countless times) is more or less this: I am right, you are wrong. And this was directed at EVERYONE, but especially me. He would even argue with his in-laws and neighbors. When I was younger, I just took it. I took the lectures, insults, and his general disdain for me with a grain of salt. But as I got older, I started to realize and comprehend his sense of dictatorship and control in the family, and I began to rebel against it. I was no longer going to be the doormat, like my mother, that he so willingly trampled on. I have been determined since then to fight him. No, I didn't enjoy arguing and the many months and years I spent punished and priviledge-free, but I somebody had to stick to the man. But I wasn't just hardcore rebelling- if he DID happen to be right, I was the first person to admit it and back him up. But if I felt, even for a second, that he was wrong about something, I was going to let him know. He became absolutely ENRAGED that I DARED stand up to him and question his authority. He couldn't STAND it!!!!!!! And this fueled my passion even more. My mom and grandparents begged me to just acquiesce, and to keep the peace in the home. That's when I figured out that I actually held quite a lot of control.
I was always a little bit afraid of him. He could just get SO UPSET even over the pettiest of things, and his anger would just engulf him. I was scared that he was just going to come unhinged one day, and attack me or something (and he did get very close some days). I always had my guard up, which proved in itself to be quite the task (gee- no WONDER I had so many issues...). But when that day came, the day I realized that relationships were two-way, and that I had some control, I feared him no more. I was no longer afraid to stand up to him, give him my opinion, and give him a run for his money. He threatened me with just about everything, but I quickly came to realize that he was more bark than bite. It was like a small-scale Civil War, and I was NOT afraid to cross the Mason-Dixon line. After years of depression, fighting, and never getting anywhere, I came to another conclusion. Just ignore him. To me, this was essentially the same kind of tactical warfare, only silent: instead of fueling HIS fire, and causing so much racket, I just ignored him, and defied him. He would still become angered, but this way it wasn't so much on my shoulders, and by that I mean that he would appear to be the bad guy (okay, he really WAS the bad guy here people...), but it would no longer seem that I was causing the problems, which was logical, since I didn't- he only thought I did. He'd appear a madman. When he'd lecture me, I'd nod my head showing him I "agreed" to whatever it is that he might have said (I didn't really listen. I had heard the lectures so many times that I could practically recite them in my sleep). There was no need to listen to his bitter, salty words, and to let them seep into my mind, like an open wound. I was done being hurt by him, and I was going to let him know that.
Anyway, its more complex than all that, and you should know that I've only skimmed the top of this part of my story, but it should explain a lot. I know it may seem that I have made my parents out to be truly horrible and deranged people. You should know that I did my fair share of things to upset my dad (but it was MOSTLY the arguing. I never did ANYTHING truly bad as a child. I was really a compliant child, and put up with A LOT of emotionally disturbed adults and experiences). They are exactly as I have portrayed them to be. They wear masks (no, not literally you weirdo) to conceal this side of them. They appear like perfect and happy people to everyone else, which actually brings me to my next conclusion...

Conclusion #2: My religion. I was raised in a Mormon/LDS house. Despite the times that I knew the spirit wasn't with us, many values and morals were still nevertheless instilled within me. These helped me to always have faith in God, and know that for me, this religion was correct and true. However, something happened a while back that has given me reason to believe the church is not true. It bothered me greatly when Rick was called to be the bishop of his ward. This was a truly religious calling that would require him to be like a "father" for our ward. He would administer callings and jobs, but would also offer advice, counsel, and other forms of support for the people in the ward. Why did this bother me, you ask? Because I feel that for one to be worthy of such a calling, one should first and foremost be a good father to his OWN kids (whether by blood or marriage). I honestly didn't feel that he was a very good father to me. Yes, he clothed me, gave me shelter, and fed me, but are those the only qualifications to be a good parent? I didn't think so. So, therefore, I question the church in calling Rick to be a bishop. Couldn't they see what I saw? If the church wanted someone who wasn't good father (to me) to be the "father" of the ward (which was a HUGE calling), then why would the church be true? Does that make sense? Can you see where I'm going with that?

Well, this is all very deep, and for me to have written this has been very draining. I will continue with my other recently thought-over conclusions some other time. It is nigh impossible that anyone has actually read this entire post, but kudos to you if you did. Leave a comment, will ya?

Auf Wiedersehen.

This last week has been the week of all weeks. I don't even know where or how to begin describing it! I guess I'll just start at the beginning. Its not like anyone reads this anyway. Bleh.

MONDAY: My first class is at 8am. The professor is 15 minutes late, walks in and says (in one breath) "I have a Japanese interpreting gig on Wednesday, so don't come. Read the chapters covering trombone and tuba, and I'll see you next week. Class dismissed." Grr! Music theory sucked. German was good. It was great to see Szalay and all my friends again. Then I didn't have orchestra until 2. It pretty much sucked. I went home and sat alone in my room. I listened to depressing music, "watched" TV (if you could even call it that), and stared at the wall for hours, while thinking about life in general.

TUESDAY: Again, class at 8. German was funny again. We didn't really even accomplish anything. We were just laughing at Rob again. That kid is awesome. He always makes me feel good, and he is one of like 4 people who can make me laugh. I'll never forget that hour. We made Szalay laugh so hard she was bent over, grabbing the desk, and almost crying! Funniest thing in the world. But the fun was cut short, and I had piano class directly after. I do not like that class. I already took it last year. I wouldn't have had to take it again, except I didn't pass last time because I missed like 3 classes. Its a boring class, and the professorin is a female Asian Hitler. Could you blame me for not wanting to go? Neither do I. Later that night, I had to go to my 5:30 mathematics class. It sucked. For as bad as I thought my piano professor was, this professor made her look like freaking Mr. Rogers. This lady was insane. I knew I had to get out of her class asap. So I left during the break. By the time I got home, I was mentally and physically exhausted, frustrated, and starving. I pretty much just crashed on the couch and stared at the TV as it mindsucked me. Bleh. Just wait it gets better....

WEDNESDAY: No 8am class, and because I had severe insomnia problems the night before and couldn't sleep, I decided to bag my 9am music theory class, and catch some extra sleep. So then I eventually pulled myself out of bed and got ready for the day. I hauled over to German class, for which Szalay had decided to change classrooms (long, interesting, funny story). Again, I had nothing else to do until symphony at 2. So I went to the bookstore, bought my math book, and sat and read the first part of "The Language Imperative" by a wonderful author whose name I can't exactly recall at the moment *though I highly recommend the book. Sehr interresant*. I got to leave orchestra at 3:30, because I'm not going on the tour to China. That made me happy. I was just not in the mood to attend orchestra. Because I had changed my math class, I had to go to my new class that night from 5:30-7:20. It sucked. The professor talks like Napoleon Dynamite's stupid brother. Its kinda funny. I was tired afterwards. I wanted to go to the comm center and play pool, but I was just so tired I didn't know what to do with myself. I caught my second wind later that night, and Hava, Jessica and I ended up nuking a PB&J sandwich in the microwave. It stunk, and we had to open up the door and the windows. It was really funny. Then we went out in the hall and messed around with some flyers and left some pink straws out in the hall. Not for any particular reason. Just for random fun.

THURSDAY: Screwed going to percussion, though I definitely should've gone. Its not exactly a good thing to miss that class. No sir. German was okay. Szalay needed some properly functioning EXPO markers, and since I'm a teacher as well (and I have like a thousand of them), I brought her 3 to keep. She kinda fought it, and made me feel kind of embarassed. But my guard was kinda down, and I've been mega-depressed anyway, so its not like it really mattered. Then I was done with school for the day, and I don't really recall what I did for the rest of that day. I went over to Laurie's though, to drop off some sheet music that I needed her to return for me, since she was going past the store on her way home the next morning. Later that night, I cooked some rice. It was okay.

FRIDAY: I had mt that morning, which is a terribly mindboggling way to start one's day off. Then I had billiards class directly after. I love that clas. I'm not very good at all, but I had learned enough from watching the 2004 WPBA tournament reruns that I knew more or less what was going on. I think I impressed the teacher (always a good thing). I bought the World Billiards rules handbook, and as I was going over it during lunch, it seemed really cool, but majorly confusing. Oh well. I've only had one class, so you can't expect me to be pro, can you? Masterclass sucked ass, and so did string rehearsal. I had an hour b/w orchestra and my stupid string project meeting, so i just sat in the chair in my living room and stared at the ceiling, thinking. I believe I was thinking about music being my major. I have really been hating it this last week. At one point, I seriously wanted to quit, and just stick with German. And then I was freaking out, because music has been a major part of my life for like 11 years, and I couldn't just STOP!!! Well, its not like I'd actually quit music... I just wouldn't major in it. But I later (somewhat) decided to stick with it, because I didn't want to let down DP or Szalay, or my peers or family. Stupid peer pressure!!!!!!!!!!  *shakes fist at lousy peer pressure* Anyway, I spent the duration of the night being bored out of my skull.

SATURDAY: After getting a lousy nights sleep, I eventually woke up and showered. After having a major anger attack at Jessica (who wasn't actually there), I cleaned our bathroom and my room. I'm so pissed that she's as lazy as she is. I've cleaned the bathroom and the living room and kitchen a million times, and she never does ANYTHING! Now I may not be the cleanest person in the world, but I sure as hell never let things get as filthy, stinky, and altogether putrescent as she does. Gross. Then I went to the mall, because that would calm me down. I had a momentary public relapse as I discovered that the only music store around had just been randomly closed down (bankruptcy? poor profits? law suit?). So I went to Hot Topic and bought a Jack Skellington poster for $1.59. Great deal or what? Then I went to Hollywood Video and rented SLC Punk, and bought some popcorn, Mountain Dew, and candy (I know I REALLY shouldn't have, but I needed SOMETHING to do yesterday). However because stupid Angie wouldn't leave OR watch the damn movie with me, I had to wait until 11:30 that night to watching the cursed flick. So I went down the compy lab for 3 1/2 hours. [Narration: This is me. Isn't my life completely boring and hopeless? I hate it. I'd sell my soul to the devil himself for a better life. Better in any way. I really didn't care- as long as it got me out of Utah]

Today I've been bored out of my skull as well. I've pretty much just spent 6 hours in the compy lab today, doing nothing. Oh, but I DID do my laundry today. But I also did something bad. I really don't have very much money at all (like $20), but I had to go get quarters for laundry. So I went to Smith's and bought a Vanity Fair magazine (okay. I usually don't ever buy this magazine, but it was a limited special edition with a huge article on Star Wars. It had a 4-page foldout with all the major characters from EVERY Star Wars episode. Thats right. Everyone from Padme to Chewbacca to Luke to the Emporer to Qui-Gonn. It rocks!), and some Starbursts, and then got my extra change. And that's pretty much been it. Yeah- it sucks being me.

And speaking of which, I've really been confused as to who that is lately. You know- I thought I had that figured out once, but now I'd be hard-pressed to believe it. I've just been really stressed thinking about everything. Life, school, family, friends, music, German, professors, my lifestyle, my future, etc. My head hurts, and I've been really (and I mean noticeably) depressed lately. Oh well. That is all for now. I will continue this neurotic conversation later.

Auf Widersehen.

Hello, dear Mundanes,

I am here again to bring you yet another pathetic and despondent blog entry. Hey- its what I'm good at, right? So, dear muse, what is going on in your life, you ask? My answer: not much. Not much at all. Spring semester is beginning tomorrow, and my feelings towards that are mixed. I'm looking forward to seeing Szalay, and meine Freunden from my Deutsch class, but that's pretty much where the Skittles trail stops. I'm not looking forward to taking music theory, or starting violin lessons again, or orchestra, and ESPECIALLY string project. i don't mind the experience and the pay, but i just hate it!  i hate that its so late in the evening, and i just get frustrated with my fellow teachers as well as the students sometimes. its just more work than i'm willing to put in at this current point in my life (which is very pathetic, mind you). Lately, I've been feeling more depressed than I think I've ever been (which is pretty star depressed- let me tell you). I've had no desire to be sociable, desirable, or ANYTHING. I've pretty much just wanted to watch spy movies, listen to techno/heavy metal/goth/industrial music (which is actually great, in a weird way), and eat. I don't think any amount of Prozac can fix me. So why am I so depressed? Let me lay it out for you: 1) Sean is gone, and I don't hear from him very much. 2) My parents hate me, whether they admit it or not. They don't understand who I am or what I like, and they hate everything that I take an interest in. (No need for detail, you and I have had this conversation before). 3) I am REALLY in debt. $2000 for my car and around $2000 for my violin, and I can't even count how much money I owe for rent and books and fees, etc. And I have to pay that off, and I want to be earning my own money so I can pay my own rent, and by myself a decent good-looking car, and be successfully self-sufficient. 4) Sure, I passed all my classes last semester, but I didn't get as good of grades as I hoped to get. Actually I raised my GPA back to a 3.0, and that was pretty much my goal, but still, I should've done better. Oh well. 5) That being my segway, I would like to point out how, again, a large amount of serious and depressing things are clouding my mind. This is what I call "spring semester syndrome." This means that I always get crappy grades during spring semester, because my mind is too preoccupied with things like poor family relations, no friends, severe lack of money, debt, too much stress from the music department, rude roommates/hypocrites, and I could go on. Doesn't that suck? I thought this year was going to be different, but I've been so depressed this last month, that I know I stand no chance. AND..... on top of all that... I have a serious heart problem. It doesn't beat regularly (ie: the chambers don't open and close correctly), and its overactive (and by that, I mean that it will accelerate for no reason, and it hurts), and worst of all, lately it is giving me a problem that I can only label as a quasi-heart-attack. (Read: I think that both valves are opening [instead of top, then bottom], and it feels like my chest is tightly contracted, and i can't breathe for a few seconds, and it feels like my heart is not so much beating rapidly, but it is instead quivering, like it doesn't know how to beat, or when) Isn't that scary. So I called my parents the other night, freaking out, and asked what I should do (my dad is a physical therapist). He just suggested that I should go to a physician and have them run some tests and EKG's. I wanted to wait to see if it happened again, but I'm thinking that I should just go in. Whether or not I have the "quasi-heart-attack" again is not the problem. My heart has a murmur, and that is serious enough, and I need to do something about it.

Man I'm long-winded sometimes. I have just completely disregarded the normal paragraph structure for my entries lately- sorry! Anyway, that's pretty much it. I pity the two of you who have even read this far, and who even bother to read ANY of my entries. Good for you anyway. *hands them a cookie*

I'm genuinely sorry for posting so much apathetic despondency lately, but this is pretty much the only place I have to turn to, so thank you for reading and perhaps understanding. I hope you understand that I don't mean to be so negative. I am a lost girl in a big, frightening, evil world. I am just trying to figure myself out, and life, and boys, and just how everything works. I want to end up a good person in the end, but I want to make my own mistakes first, and experience things because that, ultimately, will shape me. Not my upbringing, not advice, and not my religion (which I am currently questioning). I'm just trying to figure out where I am supposed to fit in to the whole grand scheme of things. I don't know right now, and I need help. I am depressed, because I feel like I don't have anyone to help me. And I tend to push people away, minus a few exceptions, so that doesn't help me. Anyway, yeah. Story of my life. I'm a trooper, a survivor, and I think I'll make it through in the end. You won't really enjoy paradise if the road there was paved in smooth gold and velvet, whereas the man whose road was paved with bumpy trials and tribulations will enjoy it more. Wow- that was a REALLY bad metaphor. Allow me to apologize again. *apologizes and blushes* I'm not doing anyone a favor by writing this all, so I must away.

Auf Wiedersehen.

So its 4:27 in the morning, and I am not asleep. I'm barely starting to get tired, and my eyes are only dry because I've had my crappy contacts in for over 48 hours. I kind of decided that sleep is futile, and I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping, just because I have nothing better to do. And speaking of having nothing to do, I haven't done a DAMN thing for the past 4 days- and its been pretty glorious. Sure, I'm bored as ever, but I have to cherish my last week of school and obligation free time. None of my roommates are back yet, so I've pretty much had the apartment to myself, which is nice. Its just nice to be ALONE sometimes. I've had the opportunity to watch whatever I wanted to, and listen to whatever I wanted to, without worrying about disturbing or upsetting my roomies. Its quite nice. No parents, no homework, no annoying roomies, no NOTHING. I rearranged the furniture and posters in my room yesterday, for lack of anything better to do.... again. I like it better this way. More room. Okay, I'm getting tired, but its probably more because I'm tired, than from actual boredom. So I was thinking the other day that I should talk to Sean about what happened between us 2 years ago in California. I really hurt him, but I was SO stupid and immature then. I just didn't appreciate him. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and have him. Don't think for one minute that I absolutely don't kick myself everyday for doing that to him. I think about it everyday, and it hurts me. I wrote him a "mock" letter yesterday discussing this very topic, but I just don't know when to give it to him, or if I even should. I mean, he IS on his mission, and they're really discouraged from having girlfriends, and stuff of the like, because it sidetracks them, and messes with their head and emotions, and probably even makes them homesick. I would NEVER want to do that to him. Not ever. So I just don't know. I REALLY want him to know the truth, and how I have felt about it, but I don't want to freak him out. He seems to get freaked out easily, and I refuse to jeopardize our friendship and put it through more hell than I already have. I'm just confused- don't know what to do. And also, I'm afraid that me and Szalay's relationship has climaxed, and is now in "reject-Suzanne-and-push- her-away-and-ignore-her" mode. It happens with EVERYONE I meet and happen to take a liking to. It'll go great for a short-lived period of time, and then it goes to hell, and the person ends up hating me, though I never did anything to them. Oh well. I'm definitely used to it by now. It was nice while it lasted, and she really helped me along. God bless her always for her kindness and patience with me. :) And I'm still kind of mad at my parents. I just wish they understood me. They have never seemed to take a liking to anything that I have enjoyed, and they almost seem to enjoy making me feel like the outcast and odd man out. Then they hold that against me, and make me feel even worse. I think they have terrible personalities, and I would give my left lung to have better more appreciative, loving, understanding parents. And frankly, I'm FUCKING DONE with step-parents. They're evil. Well, that's about all I have to ramble on about. My life sucks. Everyone hates me and is out to get me. I am a priest God never paid.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Happy New Years, tout le monde!!!!

I'm finally back up at school, away from my family. I just had to get away- they were being very unfair to me, and treating me poorly. Oh well. On a better note... I finally got a letter from Sean!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) I was so excited- it was definitely the best Christmas present I got, even over the new violin and car! I was just getting ready to send him a letter chewing him out aboug not writing me and leading me on, and then I got his letter. So then I had to go and rewrite my original letter and mail it to him. I'm going to write to him much more often this year. He deserves it, and he has definitely redeemed himself by writing to me!!!! Ever since I got his letter, I've had this goofy grin on my face. I know I'm still in love with him, and I will always carry him in my heart. I love him.

Anyway, I was bored yesterday, so I went to the mall and bought some black Converse sneakers (yes, the ones EVERYONE has). I finally caved into the pressure of a trend. Though I want you to know that I liked them well before EVERYONE started wearing them, and I only bought them because I finally had enough money to, and I like them. So maybe I DIDN'T cave into the trend, after all. Well, other than that adventure, yesterday sucked. I was alone, and so I watched "Taking Lives" "xXx" and a whole crapload of TV. I took a nap (oops) from 7-10pm, so then I was up until 3:30. Kinda sucked, and then I wake up at half to 9, and that sucked even worse. Oh well. And I don't have any plans for today, and there is nothing to do (and I REFUSE to practice violin), so I have no clue what I'm going to do today. And I'm out of money.

So I rented "Kill Bill, Vol.1" the other day and "The Company." I strongly advise to stay away from the latter. It sucks major brick. I was excited that there was another ballet-related movie out, but I did not enjoy this film. There was NO plot line (even when I say that, I am being generous), and too much modern ballet. To me, as a big Romantic, I enjoy watching more of the lyrical and classical ballet. It is just so much more passionate and beautiful. Sure, I appreciate the hard work and the themes of modern ballet, but it just is not beautiful to me. It is cold, and I just can't relate to that. Anyway, the movie sucked. As for Kill Bill, they could've cut down on how many times the F bomb was dropped, and the potential rape scene. That was just unnecessary. And maybe I'm a bit of a wimp, but I just didn't enjoy all of the blood. Normally, I am all for a good violent scene in a movie (and a big war movie), but this was over the top, ludacris violence. Again, I would've enjoyed more plot, and less F words and blood, but overall, I will say that I enjoyed the unique style of the movie, and the acting. The choreography was also great, and I did enjoy what plot there was, so I would give this movie a B-. (Note that I am not qualified in any way to review or recommend movies)

Well, thats about all I have to say for my life lately. I also got a Johnny Depp poster, of him in POTC. He is so gorgeous, and such a great actor!!!!! (NOTE: I have loved Johnny Depp for many, many years before he went mainstream, so don't you dare think that I'm another one of those shallow teeny-boppers who like everyone who is in their little magazines!!! I am an original Depp fan!!!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!)

Auf Wiedersehen.

So I've been really grumpy and depressed lately. I blame my family, and society as a whole. I just feel like I'm always getting crapped on, and that I'm underappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. I would just like to fit in with my family, and not have them so angry and confused at me all the time. I just wish that my mom (well, my whole family) would accept who I am: my personality, my interests, my spirit, my independence, etc, etc, etc. They just don't. You see, my mom is the perky, fashion-slave, cheerleader, clean-freak type.  Everything has to be perfect and organized and expensive and her way, or she can't handle it. She really loves my youngest sister, because she is like her little clone. My little sister is the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, little replica. She does gymnastics and dancing, just like my mom did, and does whatever my mom wants. And my mom can't stand me, because I'm my own person. I form my own thoughts, and I'm more interested in music and travelling and education and being easygoing. I have come to understand that life is not about having the perfect hair and the perfect body and the perfect kids and appearance in general. Life is about learning and growing. I think we are meant to go through life, travelling, gaining education, and-- through mistakes and trial and error-- learning how to be a better person. Am I wrong in thinking that?

And another thing-- I have this thing about not wanting to get married for a couple of years, probably not until about 25 or 27. My parents got upset at me the other night because they don't think I am feminine enough (read: I don't wear eight pounds of lipstick and hairspray like my mother, nor enough pink, lace, flowers, and I hate "trendy" things), and they asked me if I am gay. Now, that really offended me! Just because I'm not into trends and excessive makeup does NOT make me a lesbian. They asked me why I'm not, and I pointed out that 1) its not my style, and 2) I don't really WANT to look "perfect" right now, because then I probably WOULD find some great guy, and then he'd ask me to marry him, and I wouldn't be able to say NO, and then I'd be married at 19. My point being that I AM NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE!!!! I'm not mentally ready. I want to have most or all of my degree finished before I start seriously dating. I want to have financial security. I want to have my own place, my own car, and my own little life started. I want to have travelled the world a little bit before I settle down. Am I wrong for wanting to enjoy my youth, and not selling my soul to marriage before I'm even old enough to gamble or drink? WELL THEY THINK SO.

Anyway, this whole thing really just has me worked up. I was so worked up about it last night, that I could hardly even sleep. And they wonder why I'm so bitter all of the time....

Auf Wiedersehen.

Well, this year is finally wrapping up, and I thought it would be in good fashion to include a few "Top 10" type lists for your entertainment:

TOP 10 BIGGEST EVENTS (FOR ME) THIS YEAR:
1) Sean's mission call to South Tokyo, Japan
2) Bush vs. Kerry
3) The Muse concert (my very first rock concert ever)
4) Meeting someone who changed my life
5) Deciding to double-major in Music Ed and German Ed
6) Ukraine's desintigrating government (and repercussions thereof)
7) My first car accident
8) Getting a $4000 violin and bow
9) Overcoming my severe stage fright
10) The ongoing war in Iraq.

MY TOP 10 FAVOURITE BANDS THIS YEAR:
1) Rammstein
2) Muse
3) NIN
4) Moby
5) Radiohead
6) The Killers
7) Franz Ferdinand
8) Modest Mouse
9) Incubus
10) Smashing Pumpkins

TOP 10 MOST FRUSTRATING MOMENTS FOR ME THIS YEAR:
1) Dr. Wang ('nuff said)
2) Getting in a car accident and not having transportation for 2 months
3) Debating whether or not to continue with String Project
4) Knowing that Sean would be leaving for two years, and I wouldn't get to see him or really talk to him.
5) Having Sean blow me off.
6) Mom and Dad (often,occasionally, but not always) and the kids.
7) Learning that I would probably have to go to court in March to testify against you-know-who, because they did you-know-what.
8) Not having money when I most needed it. For food, gas, books, miscellaneous, wanting to travel to Russia, Europe in general, and Germany.
9) School. Don't even get me started.
10) Being single.

TOP 10 COOLEST WEBSITES (WELL, TO ME):
1) bolt.com
2) moby.com
3) games.yahoo.com
4) geocities.com/jinksjs/bandhall.html
5) gsn.com
6) mtv.com
7) mugglenet.com
8) tblog.com (its obvious, but I had to state that anyway)
9) almostrammstein.com
10) museandamuse.com (okay that's not the greatest list, but who cares. it kept me entertained, didn't it?)

TOP 10 THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS YEAR:
1) Meeting Prof. Szalay
2) Having half-decent roommates
3) Being able to go to the Muse concert with Sean
4) Improving on violin and getting a new one, too.
5) Getting a "new" car
6) Having family who, while I don't always get along with them, is still there to help me and support me and love me.
7) The Internet. I think I may have died from boredom without it.
8) Family Guy, and more specifically- Stewie.
9) My friends.
10) Angelina Jolie.

Okay, kids, that about does it. If I think of anything else, I'll surely post it. For now, be excellent. Eat your vegetables, listen to Moby, and boycott reality TV. And please excuse the "8" in my lists. They are now smilies.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I'm so sorry for not writing recently! I've been too busy doing.... nothing. That's right- nothing. Finals are done, school is out, and all I've wanted this semester was to have a few days to myself to do NOTHING.

Anyway, I am quite excited, because I get to go home tomorrow. I haven't seen my family for about a month and a half, and I cannot possibly put into words how much I miss them. Lately, I've really been coming to appreciate how great my family is, and how much they mean to me. I would be irreconcilably despondent if anything were to happen to them. And I've also found that I've become increasingly protective of them. Not that there have been many threats made to them recently, but I've really got my guard up there. I guess I've just finally made it to that point in my life where I'm thankful for everything that my parents have done and sacrificed for me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. *gives silent, heartfelt gratitude to parents and family*

Okay, next paragraph: my life here at school is insane. I'm incredibly out of money, because I decided to go with one of my friends to the mall after we sold our textbooks back to the bookstore. Oops. We went to Hot Topic to buy discounted Harry Potter shirts. I got a shirt, and jacket, a Captain Jack Sparrow poster *be still my heart*, a few pins, and *God bless them* the new Rammstein CD. Its quite possibly the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. I was talking to my German professor about it, and even she is probably going to go buy it. Insert creative segue here...

For no reason at all, I have to decided to give you a list of my favorite classical composers, in no particular order:

Tchaikovsky, J.S. Bach, Smetana, Grieg, Wagner, Bruckner, Brahms, Berlioz, Shostakovich, Rachmaninov, Chopin, Liszt, Wieniawski, Sarasate, Sibelius, Bruch, Vitali, Corelli, Telemann, Glazunov, Saint-Saens, Beethoven, Mendelssohn, RVW, Holst, and John Williams (who is essentially, I have decided, a hybrid of Holst, Wagner, and Tchaikovsky). Isn't that interesting...

Auf Wiedersehen.

I was just reading a fabulous piece of literature for my (guess what?) Intro to Lit class, and I just thought I'd share my feelings about it.

The piece was by Bambara, entitled "The Lesson." The story, more or less, discussed how unfair the dispersion of wealth in America is. She talks about how there are so many people who can barely afford to pay the rent, let alone provide things like toys for their children. Yet on the other hand, there are families that are so abundant in wealth, they can not only pay the rent, but afford several nice toys and adventures for their children.

My thoughts on this were this: I am constantly upset by the fact that hundreds of celebrities and pro-athletes get paid ludacris amounts of money, for a job that only requires a little work, and far too much vanity. And on the other hand, there are millions of people around the world who are actually educated, hard-working, talented and dedicated, and they don't get paid jack shit. This is a complete disgrace! An outrage!!! Yet society in general seems to condone it. How can we, as a society, possibly stand to let these filthy, crude, degraded/degrading, talentless, ugly celebrities be overpaid for a ridiculous service that we could most certainly live without????? Instead , shouldn't we want to distribute this extreme abundance of weath to lower-class/single-parent families, homeless people, disabled people, college students and people who REALLY need it? Makes no sense to me. And this is precisely my problem with America. We have got our priorities entirely backwards, upside down, and duct taped to a bed of nails.  I can't wait to go to Germany. They have their share of problems, too, but theirs are far more capable of being dealt with than ours.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I'm giving myself 500 points for excellent procrastination. I have a percussion final tomorrow (semi-prepared for), a Lit paper due (barely begun), and Lit journal due (mostly finished), and a huge German final (we'll say quasi-prepared for) tomorrow as well. And, by the looks of things, I'm nowhere near ready and prepared.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that things are going a little better for me, and I'll be stress free in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

I also found a car for myself. $2,000 and only 15,000 miles. Chevy. Yay for me. Now I can have a car, and resume my part in a normal society. Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I finally finished "The Ultimate Survey," and perhaps I'll post my results of that soon for you. Until then...

Auf Wiedersehen.