So my Thanksgiving break has officially been deemed "lame." I spent 3 days with my grandparents, and did absolutely nothing. Actually... it wasn't entirely lame. I got a new violin and bow. $3500 for the violin and $500 for the bow. With the trade in, I only need to pay about $1900 or so, but I'm still in debt. I hate debt. I was about that much in debt my junior year of high school paying for my other violin and case. Took me a year to pay it off (with 15% interest *curse it*). I will not be in debt as an adult. I will not have a credit card. Ever. I don't mind having a little debt from schooling, but I refuse to have debt over things like cars, house, boat, etc. Debt is bad and can wreck marriages and lives. NO debt.

ANYway.... what a tangent. I finally wrote a letter to Sean. Now I just to get some stamps. I feel terrible for not writing him sooner, but I just didn't. I didn't know what to say. What do you talk to a missionary about? What does he want me to say? What does he want to hear about? I just kind of rambled on, so I hope he enjoys listening to me ramble. He always rambled on in his emails to me, so I know he's not entirely opposed to it. (heehee) I've been missing him so much lately. My grandparents live near him, and as we were out and about this weekend, so many roads and places reminded me of him. Everything reminds me of him. Is love supposed to hurt this much?

I'm really tired, and frankly, I'm glad its still only Saturday. I would cry if it were a weekday. I'm getting sick of school, and playing and studying, and learning. It feels like my brain is full. Not that I have anything to look forward to over Christmas break... no Sean, no friends (they're all married- why would they want to hang out with me?), no car, no money, everything just kind of sucks right now. I wish I had that. I wish I had a car, and money, and a boyfriend, and a life full of meaning and excitement. Is that so much to ask for?

Bis morgen dann... auf Wiedersehen.

I sincerely apologize for not writing for so long. The Internet has been down, and I've also been really busy. Go figure.

Well, I finally got to register for my classes next semester. I'm taking 20 credit hours. I was only going to do 17, but I decided that I could easily take on a 3 credit hour Psych class. I like Psychology. Absolutely fascinating subject, don't you think? What other classes am I taking, you ask? Brass methods, Percussion methods, Piano lessons, Violin lessons, Symphony, German 1020, Math, and Music Theory. I'll still be teaching my 2 orchestras, and teaching private violin lessons. Why on earth do I want to teach AND take 20 credit hours? Because it keeps me busy, and that is always a good thing. I hate feeling unproductive. But usually when I come home, I'm SO tired that I just sit down and watch TV, and do homework later at night. I waste too much time. I want to be busier, and more productive. I'll be fine. But if for some reason I start to freak, I can just drop a class. I know my parents wouldn't mind their money back. (My scholarship only covers up to 19 c.h., I think)

So my family is in Lake Powell celebrating Thanksgiving for a week and a half, and I'm stuck up here in the middle of nowhere. It sucks. Well, I have to go, but I PROMISE I'll write again soon, and I have plenty to say.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Gee- I've been freaking depressed lately, haven't I... Well, things (at least heute) are going well for me. For one, heute ist gratis laundry day at my laundromat, so I get to save geld. 2) DP thinks my quartet is sounding sehr gut, und he said that he can tell we've put a lot of heart and practice into it. Das is always a gut thing to hear DP say, as he is not the biggest compliment giver. 3) Ich bin doing sehr gut with the whole "I miss Sean" thing heute. I've kept myself busy and my mind preoccupied. 4) I got a ride home, and thusly I didn't have to walk home. 'Nuff said. (notice how I said "nuff" to make myself sound cool).  5) I found out that there is a Deutsch club at my universitat. How exciting!!!!!!! I'm going to help my Deutsch professorin with publicity, and anyways sie mochte fur mich to brainstorm ideas for club aktivities. I was thinking of eating at the local Bavarian restaurant. I'm open to new food... well most of the time. I am rather picky (so INCREASINGLY picky, in fact, that meine Mitebewohnerinnen are betting that I'll starve to death within the nachstes Jahre because I'm so picky). 6) I got another email. Good stuff.

Okay, so I'm going to leave now, because I'm sure you're more than confused by reading my half-English/half-German blog entry. But if you understand (and love) German.... more power to you.
Auf Wiedersehen.

Es tut mir leid!!!! I haven't posted for so long- my apologies. I guess life has been going fairly good lately, though if you looked at me, you'd never guess it. Sean left yesterday for the MTC, and the fact that he is now gone is only just beginning to sink in. I'm just a little melancholy about that. But I can't stop thinking about him. Aah....love.

School is going okay. I haven't been to math in a week, and we have a test on Monday. I've got TONS of homework due, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Same with Lit class. I only go about once every 3 times, because we never really accomplish anything there. He just rambles on for an hour and a half. Don't get me wrong, I love his stories, and the way he makes us think, but in all seriousness- I really don't need to be there. As long as I'm taking notes on the required reading, then all is well. But I do feel bad- I really should go. I've sluffed SO much this semester. Oh well. The rest of my klasses are going well, however! I'm still loving Deutsch, and I actually still understanding everything, despite how fast we move, which is exciting. I'm getting better at playing trumpet, which is also good. But I can't play for as long with trumpet as I could on French horn. Trumpet requires more back pressure, and a smaller embouchure, which is nearly killing me. But I can reach most of the notes, and they sound fine, so hahaha. My symphony is having a performance on Sunday. We are playing "Mein Vaterland/Ma Vlast" by Smetan, Tchaikovky's "Capriccio Italien," Mozart's "Symphony No.25," and Mendelssohn's "Der Fingalshohle" overture. Good concert. Difficult concert. But it doesn't matter, because my family is coming to see me perform!!! That makes me happy, because they rarely come to my performances. But do you know what I'm really happy about??????????? The Christmas concert that the orchestra and choir put on. We give two performances in the same night in this stunning and beautiful cathedral. It is one of my most anticipated and favourite concerts that I've ever performed in. Last year we played Vivaldi's "Gloria" with the choir, and they also did some choir pieces with harp. Truly magnificent.  And speaking of harp, I'm so excited because I think I'm going to get permission from Frau Szalay to come play harp in the FL building lobby during Finals week and the week afterwards. I'm so excited. Granted, I'm not very good, but hey- I enjoy what I do, and that should count for something, right?

After I'm done writing, I'm going to lock myself in my room. I'm just not in a very personable mood tonight, and I also have homework to do. Anyways, I think I'm done. tlk2ul8r 

Auf Wiedersehen

Today has kind of sucked. Nothing went particularly wrong, but I've just been really lazy, and I think its the mega lack of activity that has made today suck. I've just slept, eaten, and watched TV (and nothing good, honestly). Anyway, I was reading fatalfame's tblog today, and it just hit me how much I'm going to miss Sean when he leaves on Wednesday. Not that I'm not already sad- he hasn't emailed me or said anything to me since the farewell, and I've gotta tell you- its really hurting me. I don't mean to sound all cranky about it, because I'm not that kind of person, but he's my best friend.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to say for today. Oh yeah- drink Propel Fitness Water. It is really good.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Eww- I do NOT feel good today. Don't you hate being sick? That's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Anyway, I finally got to sleep in today; I was so excited! Yay for sleep. I didn't (technically) have a class until 1, which was masterclass. This girl played the Vitali Chaconne. She totally bugs me- she is standing there, playing this beautiful piece making it look so easy, yet she has no passion or emotion. That actually disgusts me. If you have all that talent, and a brilliant mind, why would you just sit there and waste it??? Beats me. I would LOVE to be as good as her. Oh well. Then I had section rehearsal. I hate that class. And its a good thing that Mozart is already dead, because if he wasn't... I would've hunted him down and KILLED him today. I loathe Mozart. Sure, he was absolutely brilliant, but he was a player and a drunkard, and he wrote really shoddy violin parts to his symphonies. I'm sorry if you're reading this and you are a Mozart fan, but I just can't seem to help my strong dislike for the man.

Aaanyway... I feel like a bag of crap today. I woke up today with a gross cough and my head feels like its going to explode. I think my roommate got me sick. How dare she!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does anyone have any medicine?

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Muse? Well, I do. They're just SUCH an amazing band. I just can't help but love them. I've only listened to Muse since I saw them in concert on the 22nd with Simon. Best show in the world. Today I was listening to some Trent Reznor (NIN). Gotta love him, though. I want to listen to Smashing Pumpkins, but you just have to be in the mood for them, and I just haven't been lately. Oh well. What can I do about that?????

Well, I could try and prove otherwise, but I really don't have anything else to talk about, so I'm going to leave you with this

Auf Wiedersehen.

Ich weiss nicht what mood I'm in today. I hate that feeling! For the most part, however, I'm tired. I suffer from insomnia (or an overactive mind), and so AGAIN, I didn't fall asleep until 2:30. I woke up around 6:30 and just kind of stared off into space for 35 minutes. I made it through percussion and Deutsch. I talked to my Deutsch professorin after class, and thanked her in person for her support. She REALLY wants me to try the Honours program, and she has a lot of faith in me. I like that. Anyway, afterwards, I stayed in the FL building, and did math homework for two hours, and then, as I struggled to stay awake, tried to read and comprehend Hawthorne's "Young Goodman Brown." I was SO exhausted that it took me about 30 minutes to get through about 5 pages, and I'm positive nothing sunk in. Oh well. Frustrated, I left, and went to my "home": the band hall in the musik building. I studied there for about another 1/2 hour, then I went and took my mallet percussion test. I believe I did well. There was one or two questions on there that were worded too weirdly for me to understand. I know I got everything else right, so I'm not worrying.

I've also been feeling my usual melancholy, and for the usual reasons. I think I'm just SO tired that my brain has just shut down- and that's probably why I'm depressed. I REALLY need to practice violin. I cancelled my lesson last Montag because of the accident. I'm probably supposed to be playing in masterclass tomorrow- but who really knows. I'm also supposed to have Bach's 2nd Partita (minus the Ciaccona) perfected and memorized so that I may perform it in convocations (NO likee). And I'm surely going to be dead by my next lesson, because I'm supposed to have my Bruch concerto perfected, polished, and performance ready... and its NOWHERE NEAR good. Sad, huh?!? Yesh... and our symphony concert is on the 14th, and I don't think we sound very good, at least not lately. And I need to practice trumpet, because I just got it yesterday, and I'm supposed to have fingerings memorized, and have the B-flat major scale figured out, as well as a short piece, which frankly I think is ridiculous because its darn near impossible to accomplish such a task in what, 4 days?Yeah... okay. My brass methods professor is kind of a fruit. Doesn't know the first thing about French Horn, and I find it particularly amazing that I got as good as I did with NO help from him. And while I'm excited to learn trumpet, I'm worried I'm going to struggle with having enough back support to get the higher notes. Anyway, isn't my life dramatic? Oh yes. Move over Shakespeare, here comes my life!!!!!!

Aaanyway, my roommates and I were wanting to go rent a movie today, but we couldn't. We sent Angie to rent either "The Whole Nine Yards," "Office Space," "Johnny English," or "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." She didn't have a rental card, and I couldn't give her mine, because I've got like $9 in fines (oops...). Anyway, that didn't work out. I say anyway a lot, don't I? Anyway (heehee), the band hall was freaking hilarious today. Jarrett (but of course/na klar) was playing his "Didjeridoo," but don't be fooled- it was just PVC pipe. Only Jarrett could figure out how to make a Didjeridoo  out of PVC pipe. This is the same kid who has such miscellaneous instruments in his locker as a penny whistle, recorder, ocarina, several Irish drums, and who actually brought a tent and pitched it in the band hall so he could properly take a nap. And then there's Matt and (Ultimate) Cory. There are no words to describe those two. None whatsoever, but they're priceless, and EVERYONE loves them. Cory is known for his fine accomplishments, such as jumping OVER the orchestra door, mastering Playing Card architecture on sleeping people, and being selfish with his Tympani drums. Matt is famous for his hair couture and "Fat Dance." These two were having a discussion this morning. Cory says "Matt, what would you call a percussionist who fell down and hit their head?" Matt doesn't know. Cory says, "A concussionist!" Isn't that hilarious. Anyway, there are hundreds of thousands of interesting stories regarding them and the random going ons of our band hall. If you have the time, I *highly* recommend our band hall's OFFICIAL website: www.geocities.com/jinksjs/bandhall.html  Good stuff. I recommend the Rootisms, and my instrument crossbreeding list. Anyway, I think I've fulfilled my "stupid crap in your blog" limit for today, so I think I'm going to leave!

Auf Wiedersehen.

Hi everyone! Oh I'm in such a good mood right now! Hooray for me! I am happy because a) I am listening to the "Sound of Music" soundtrack, and that will ALWAYS without a doubt put me in a good mood. Is that not the greatest, happiest musical in the world? Well, it's certainly my favorite. I think that Julie Andrews is just such a talented, good person.  I am also happy because b) I just got a pleasant, encouraging email from my German professor. A week or so ago, she was kind enough to have given me an invite to join my university's Honours program. I talked to her about it after German class and I told her, with virtually no explanation as to why, that I don't think I'd be fit to join it. Then afterwards, I spend an hour composing an email for her comprising of my VERY GOOD (and PRIVATE) reason why I don't think I'd be fit to join the Honours program. I was SO nervous to tell her why, and I knew she would respond one of two ways: 1) She would think I was a nutter, and just plain shun me during the rest of my tenure as a German major, or 2) She would be completely compassionate and kind about it. Of course, as I was hoping, she responded in the latter's fashion. I just can't get over how nice and compassionate and encouraging she is. I always worry that one day she's just going to up and hate me, because that's pretty much what everyone else had done to me in my life and why shouldn't she????? But until that day, I'm going to remain a diligent hard-working student of hers. I just admire her so much, and I thank my lucky stars that she is in my life. She just pushes me to be so much better, and to work harder, and to believe in myself. She (inadvertently) shows me how to be a great teacher, which I highly value and try to incorporate into my own teaching. I'm SO lucky to have her in my life, and perhaps all this bad luck I've been having lately is worth it- as long as I have her.

Sorry- I could discuss her greatness forever. I just can't help that I've finally got a positive role model in my life. Anyway, I guess everything else is going well. I'm surviving, upright, and apparently loved, so who am I to complain. I haven't done homework since Saturday, but you know what? I'm going through a lot (which I know I shouldn't use as an excuse, but hey). I just picked up another violin student, and I'm excited. My other student is doing FAMOUSLY! I had a magnificent breakthrough with her in our lesson two weeks ago, and I didn't want to stop teaching. She just kept learning and understanding, and to me that is the greatest feeling of success in the world- when you've taught something valuable, and you see the light in someone's face when they finally understand. And that's EXACTLY why I want to be a teacher. What better occupation could one have than to teach and expand horizons? None.

Well, I'm glad I could finally show you how happy I normally am. And also, though you can't see it because I keep hitting the backspace button, I keep typing in German. While I find that pleasing and hilarious, it's simultaneously a bit frustrating! Anyway, I bid you adieu...

Auf Wiedersehen. Bis morgen dann!

I'm really tired today! I don't know if it is because of daylight savings time, or what, but I couldn't fall asleep until 2:45 this morning (which is technically 3:45). And I woke up around 7:30. No sleep for me...again. Anyway, who really cares? I really don't.

So today I decided to embark on an exciting journey. Where did I go? I haven't found out yet. While I'd probably prefer somewhere warm, like Ecuador, I don't think I'm in the mood for those kinds of cultures today. I think I'd actually be a little bit happier today in somewhere like Finland, Denmark or Germany. Yesh, Germany it is. I love Germany. I'm learning to speak German right now. Sehr gut. Frankly I don't really care where I go today. I'm just not in the mood to be HERE. I hate the weather, I hate everything that is going wrong, and I'm mad at Simon (for the first time). I don't want it to sound like I'm running away from my problems, because I'm not. I just hate being HERE today. Man, I'm so depressed! I need to finish my classes, and then lock myself in my room tonight so I can just deal. That way no one else will have to deal with me. And why should they have to? NO. I'm just going through a lot lately, I'm changing, and trying to adjust to be a better person, and I'm thinking about some profound things that my dad said to me the other day. I've just got a lot on my plate right now, and I can't eat it all (metaphorically speaking, na klar! I'm actually quite hungry, physically).

Anyway, I'm mad at Simon, because he was being jerky last night on IM. Normally he's so sympathetic and outgoing, but he was so rude last night. He was saying that no one was going to miss him while he was in Tokyo, and I said that was nonsense, and that I would miss him. I said I'd miss him more every day he was away. I don't know what happened after I said that, or what triggered in his mind when I said that, but it sucked. I asked him if he would miss me (a very fair question), and he pauses, and says something like "I won't really miss anyone. I guess it was just the way I was brought up." Of course, that sent off my bullshit detector- you can't just be raised to miss or not miss people!!!! I don't think you can help it if you miss someone!!! Maybe not everyone misses people, but I certainly don't think it has anyone to do with the way you're brought up. Am I wrong? Anyway, that was SO disheartening to hear that!!! Here I am, willing to give my entire heart and soul to this man, and I'm absolutely disgruntled at the fact that he's leaving, and its nearly destroying me, and he says he's in no way going to miss me. I mean, that's so incomprehensible that he would say something that outlandish and rude. *grunts* MEN. Then, he says that he misses Bundy (our friend that left a few months ago). AND THEN... he just says "I'm going to go to bed" and signs off. No goodnight. No goodbye. Just a cold exit. Un. be. freakin'. leav. able. That was SO sad. I started crying. My roommate and I were talking about it last night, and she had to really comfort me. I was so out of it between THAT and the accident. Talk about being emotionally drained. Anyway, she (again) gave me wonderful advice, and she said that he's just saying he won't miss me because, since we're not *officially* together, he probably doesn't want to make me wait for 2 years, and/or he just doesn't want to show his emotions or make me sad. But... I'd RATHER have him ask me to wait for him. Of freaking COURSE I'd wait for him. I love him, and I'd do anything he asked. But no, he has to do things the "guy" way. Men are dorks.

Anyway, sorry for that angry tangent... but I had to get it out of my system. I just need to stop writing. I'm angry, and depressed, and vulnerable, and tired, and frustrated, and this is just not a good time for me to be around people right now. I'm gonna leave....

Auf Wiedersehen.