So I've been really grumpy and depressed lately. I blame my family, and society as a whole. I just feel like I'm always getting crapped on, and that I'm underappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. I would just like to fit in with my family, and not have them so angry and confused at me all the time. I just wish that my mom (well, my whole family) would accept who I am: my personality, my interests, my spirit, my independence, etc, etc, etc. They just don't. You see, my mom is the perky, fashion-slave, cheerleader, clean-freak type.  Everything has to be perfect and organized and expensive and her way, or she can't handle it. She really loves my youngest sister, because she is like her little clone. My little sister is the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, little replica. She does gymnastics and dancing, just like my mom did, and does whatever my mom wants. And my mom can't stand me, because I'm my own person. I form my own thoughts, and I'm more interested in music and travelling and education and being easygoing. I have come to understand that life is not about having the perfect hair and the perfect body and the perfect kids and appearance in general. Life is about learning and growing. I think we are meant to go through life, travelling, gaining education, and-- through mistakes and trial and error-- learning how to be a better person. Am I wrong in thinking that?

And another thing-- I have this thing about not wanting to get married for a couple of years, probably not until about 25 or 27. My parents got upset at me the other night because they don't think I am feminine enough (read: I don't wear eight pounds of lipstick and hairspray like my mother, nor enough pink, lace, flowers, and I hate "trendy" things), and they asked me if I am gay. Now, that really offended me! Just because I'm not into trends and excessive makeup does NOT make me a lesbian. They asked me why I'm not, and I pointed out that 1) its not my style, and 2) I don't really WANT to look "perfect" right now, because then I probably WOULD find some great guy, and then he'd ask me to marry him, and I wouldn't be able to say NO, and then I'd be married at 19. My point being that I AM NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE!!!! I'm not mentally ready. I want to have most or all of my degree finished before I start seriously dating. I want to have financial security. I want to have my own place, my own car, and my own little life started. I want to have travelled the world a little bit before I settle down. Am I wrong for wanting to enjoy my youth, and not selling my soul to marriage before I'm even old enough to gamble or drink? WELL THEY THINK SO.

Anyway, this whole thing really just has me worked up. I was so worked up about it last night, that I could hardly even sleep. And they wonder why I'm so bitter all of the time....

Auf Wiedersehen.

Well, this year is finally wrapping up, and I thought it would be in good fashion to include a few "Top 10" type lists for your entertainment:

TOP 10 BIGGEST EVENTS (FOR ME) THIS YEAR:
1) Sean's mission call to South Tokyo, Japan
2) Bush vs. Kerry
3) The Muse concert (my very first rock concert ever)
4) Meeting someone who changed my life
5) Deciding to double-major in Music Ed and German Ed
6) Ukraine's desintigrating government (and repercussions thereof)
7) My first car accident
8) Getting a $4000 violin and bow
9) Overcoming my severe stage fright
10) The ongoing war in Iraq.

MY TOP 10 FAVOURITE BANDS THIS YEAR:
1) Rammstein
2) Muse
3) NIN
4) Moby
5) Radiohead
6) The Killers
7) Franz Ferdinand
8) Modest Mouse
9) Incubus
10) Smashing Pumpkins

TOP 10 MOST FRUSTRATING MOMENTS FOR ME THIS YEAR:
1) Dr. Wang ('nuff said)
2) Getting in a car accident and not having transportation for 2 months
3) Debating whether or not to continue with String Project
4) Knowing that Sean would be leaving for two years, and I wouldn't get to see him or really talk to him.
5) Having Sean blow me off.
6) Mom and Dad (often,occasionally, but not always) and the kids.
7) Learning that I would probably have to go to court in March to testify against you-know-who, because they did you-know-what.
8) Not having money when I most needed it. For food, gas, books, miscellaneous, wanting to travel to Russia, Europe in general, and Germany.
9) School. Don't even get me started.
10) Being single.

TOP 10 COOLEST WEBSITES (WELL, TO ME):
1) bolt.com
2) moby.com
3) games.yahoo.com
4) geocities.com/jinksjs/bandhall.html
5) gsn.com
6) mtv.com
7) mugglenet.com
8) tblog.com (its obvious, but I had to state that anyway)
9) almostrammstein.com
10) museandamuse.com (okay that's not the greatest list, but who cares. it kept me entertained, didn't it?)

TOP 10 THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS YEAR:
1) Meeting Prof. Szalay
2) Having half-decent roommates
3) Being able to go to the Muse concert with Sean
4) Improving on violin and getting a new one, too.
5) Getting a "new" car
6) Having family who, while I don't always get along with them, is still there to help me and support me and love me.
7) The Internet. I think I may have died from boredom without it.
8) Family Guy, and more specifically- Stewie.
9) My friends.
10) Angelina Jolie.

Okay, kids, that about does it. If I think of anything else, I'll surely post it. For now, be excellent. Eat your vegetables, listen to Moby, and boycott reality TV. And please excuse the "8" in my lists. They are now smilies.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I'm so sorry for not writing recently! I've been too busy doing.... nothing. That's right- nothing. Finals are done, school is out, and all I've wanted this semester was to have a few days to myself to do NOTHING.

Anyway, I am quite excited, because I get to go home tomorrow. I haven't seen my family for about a month and a half, and I cannot possibly put into words how much I miss them. Lately, I've really been coming to appreciate how great my family is, and how much they mean to me. I would be irreconcilably despondent if anything were to happen to them. And I've also found that I've become increasingly protective of them. Not that there have been many threats made to them recently, but I've really got my guard up there. I guess I've just finally made it to that point in my life where I'm thankful for everything that my parents have done and sacrificed for me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. *gives silent, heartfelt gratitude to parents and family*

Okay, next paragraph: my life here at school is insane. I'm incredibly out of money, because I decided to go with one of my friends to the mall after we sold our textbooks back to the bookstore. Oops. We went to Hot Topic to buy discounted Harry Potter shirts. I got a shirt, and jacket, a Captain Jack Sparrow poster *be still my heart*, a few pins, and *God bless them* the new Rammstein CD. Its quite possibly the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. I was talking to my German professor about it, and even she is probably going to go buy it. Insert creative segue here...

For no reason at all, I have to decided to give you a list of my favorite classical composers, in no particular order:

Tchaikovsky, J.S. Bach, Smetana, Grieg, Wagner, Bruckner, Brahms, Berlioz, Shostakovich, Rachmaninov, Chopin, Liszt, Wieniawski, Sarasate, Sibelius, Bruch, Vitali, Corelli, Telemann, Glazunov, Saint-Saens, Beethoven, Mendelssohn, RVW, Holst, and John Williams (who is essentially, I have decided, a hybrid of Holst, Wagner, and Tchaikovsky). Isn't that interesting...

Auf Wiedersehen.

I was just reading a fabulous piece of literature for my (guess what?) Intro to Lit class, and I just thought I'd share my feelings about it.

The piece was by Bambara, entitled "The Lesson." The story, more or less, discussed how unfair the dispersion of wealth in America is. She talks about how there are so many people who can barely afford to pay the rent, let alone provide things like toys for their children. Yet on the other hand, there are families that are so abundant in wealth, they can not only pay the rent, but afford several nice toys and adventures for their children.

My thoughts on this were this: I am constantly upset by the fact that hundreds of celebrities and pro-athletes get paid ludacris amounts of money, for a job that only requires a little work, and far too much vanity. And on the other hand, there are millions of people around the world who are actually educated, hard-working, talented and dedicated, and they don't get paid jack shit. This is a complete disgrace! An outrage!!! Yet society in general seems to condone it. How can we, as a society, possibly stand to let these filthy, crude, degraded/degrading, talentless, ugly celebrities be overpaid for a ridiculous service that we could most certainly live without????? Instead , shouldn't we want to distribute this extreme abundance of weath to lower-class/single-parent families, homeless people, disabled people, college students and people who REALLY need it? Makes no sense to me. And this is precisely my problem with America. We have got our priorities entirely backwards, upside down, and duct taped to a bed of nails.  I can't wait to go to Germany. They have their share of problems, too, but theirs are far more capable of being dealt with than ours.

Auf Wiedersehen.

I'm giving myself 500 points for excellent procrastination. I have a percussion final tomorrow (semi-prepared for), a Lit paper due (barely begun), and Lit journal due (mostly finished), and a huge German final (we'll say quasi-prepared for) tomorrow as well. And, by the looks of things, I'm nowhere near ready and prepared.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that things are going a little better for me, and I'll be stress free in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

I also found a car for myself. $2,000 and only 15,000 miles. Chevy. Yay for me. Now I can have a car, and resume my part in a normal society. Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I finally finished "The Ultimate Survey," and perhaps I'll post my results of that soon for you. Until then...

Auf Wiedersehen.

I've officially decided to veto today- I hate it!  I'm sick. I'm tired. My brain is full. I quit performing. Screw performing. And screw stupid/loud/obsessive/neu rotic/useless/ugly/mean people. Screw them all.

And as funny and bitter as that all sounds, I mean it. I'm in a bitter mood today, though I don't mean to be. Something else is making me be this monster (if you take my meaning...).

I hate finals week! (don't we all?) All this cramming and studying and paper-writing and violin-practicing makes me want to retch. For the next 6 school days, I have a final everyday. Talk about stressful!!! Well, I really don't have much to talk about: I'm tired. I'm cranky. I miss my family and Sean. I didn't shower today, so I probably stink. I have a headache. The guy sitting next to me is singing... and he scares me. !Ay carumba! I think I'm going to leave now.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Today I've been in a very unsettled mood. I don't know how I am. I don't know if I'm happy or angry or tired or restless or evil or lackadaisical. I just don't know. I've kind of been having that problem lately. I think its because of school and finals. I've had all these tests and performances and solos, and lessons to teach and lectures and billions upon billions of things to remember, and I think I've just worn my mind out. It is tired. I am tired.

Also, I feel like I've been going through a lot of changes lately. I'm not sure in which way, however. Am I getting more mature? More puerile? And I've been noticing different thought patterns. More mature, but also perhaps a bit more cynical. I'm kind of done listening to and ranting and raving about Muse. Now I'm getting really into NIN, Rammstein,  Incubus, and Manson, and Rasputina... none of which I've ever held interest in. And frankly, its really confusing- I've felt like I've WANTED to be more religious, more CHRISTIAN than I've ever been, but now I'm slipping into this dark black hole of depression and despair, and without any good reason. Its most likely because of all this stress with finals. I remember I kind of went in this direction a little bit last year with finals and everything I was dealing with. And I've had the sudden urge to be crazy and go to some raves and have...relationships. Very weird, and ENTIRELY out of character for me. Oh well. Its just a phase. It always is.

Update on Sean: nothing. I wrote him a week ago, and now I sit here, thinking "What if he doesn't want me to write him? What if he hates my letter? What should I write to him about? How is he doing at the MTC? Is he terribly homesick and frustrated, or is he happy, having the time of his life away from me and SJ and family/friends?" I just don't know what to think. Maybe I'm not even thinking at all.

And going back to that whole "I'm-changing-right-now" thing... I feel like I'm becoming twice as bitter and withdrawn and anti-social as I normally am. I've been going through a huge famine of self-confidence. I've been hating myself lately. I feel like an unintelligent, unimportant, fat, hated, untalented, semi-hypocratic, bitter jerk. Let me expound: I feel unintelligent, because lately I'm not picking up the whole concept of things in school. I get really frustrated by the people who learn and remember things immediately, because I want to be like that, and not so stupid. I feel unimportant, because I am alone. Not that I make a huge effort to be friendly and part-of-the-group, but still. No one ever calls me, emails me, talks to me, or whatever. Also because I have a huge inferiority-complex. I see these other violinists, and how amazing they are, and then I suck. My own violin teacher hates me. I feel fat, because I am. I'd like to lose about 25 pounds, but I have no motivation to, and I hate myself very much for being so. I feel hated, because I am. No explanation needed. Everyone uses me and betrays me and ignores me and walks on me and underestimates me. And I say I feel semi-hypocratic (which isn't actually a word, but it is now), for many reasons. I'm always trying to act like a happy, popular, funny, positive, thin person, and I'm not. I'm a very destroyed, torn, bitter, and even morbid person. I should act that way. Its not like I've got much of a rep to guard! But part of me doesn't want to be that way- hence the false mask that I wear every day. I feel that if I didn't have that, then EVERYONE would hate me. I am a terrible, ugly, gross, despicable, and worthless soul.

Auf Wiedersehen.