I love how no one ever comments on my blog. Is it that bad, really? *shrugs and smiles because she knows the answer to this* Oh well.

Not that you were disappointed or anything, but sorry for not writing in so long. I've been beyond busy this past week. I guess that's a good thing, right? Its good to stay busy, and keep one's mind off of certain events and/or people. Well this week I've been doing a lot of thinking about everyting. And I mean A LOT. I've been trying to do this, so that I can figure myself out, and deal with the lot of problems that I seem to be having.

Conclusion #1 (and its a BIG one): I have major issues with my parents, and I think that contributes largely to why I have taken such a liking with Prof Szalay. My parents have spent the past 13 years (directly as much as indirectly) telling me that I was unacceptable, intolerable, and that I would never be successful, loved, or happy. They try to negate everything that I do. My mom seems to hate my strong-mindedness (is that a word?). She hates that I've always had my own style, thoughts, views, and interests (even if she won't admit it, she's implied that se feels this way). She is constantly telling me that she hates the way I dress, and complains that I don't wear enough makeup, and freaks out that I don't like having my hair curled perfectly, and perfectly shaped. 
My mom has always made me feel unaccepted, inferior, and unimportant. She told me once that she really wasn't a "kids" kind of person, and would rather have married Frank, lived in a mansion with the perfect life, furniture, husband and hair. I know that she resents Craig and, at least to some point, Rick (though not so much lately). I knew that I was never, and would never be, very important to her, from as far back as I can remember. I have no childhood memories of her; she was always gone- dating, working, etc. Then she meets Rick, and they get married and go on their honeymoon OVER my fifth birthday, while I stayed at home with her parents, whom I lived with from birth to then, since my mom divorced my asshole birthfather a few weeks after I was born (can't blame her there...). My life has been depressing, tortured, and generally terrible since then. HE thought I had major mental issues, because I didn't take a liking to him. (Note to Rick: not many children "take a liking" to the step-parent. Think about it...) Anyway, he kept taking me to counseling, which I honestly don't remember. I don't remember anything, really, about my childhood. It was a terribly empty and lonely experience that I have obviously pushed out of my mind. I'm glad that I don't remember it. And back to having no memory of my mom as a child- I don't think I have any memories with her in them until I was like 13 or 14. Isn't that weird? Well, I honestly don't have much to remember about her. She was always mad at me, and spent every waking moment of her life cleaning, and wishing that her life was something more. She RARELY ever sat down to play games with me, or support me with dance and music, or to just enjoy my company. Still doesn't. And I can't help but her resent her for that. All I pretty much want is to have her acceptance.  All I've wanted my entire life is a mom who would love me for me, and be my friend. A mom who would take a genuine interest in my hobbies, and support all my ideas and goals, no matter how absurd or far-fetched they may have seemed. I feel this is not a giant request. It is, rather, a small request, which I feel should have been innate within the parent to begin with. I've even told her my feelings about this all, and she denies everything, and tries to turn the story upside down, as to make me into some kind of bad guy.
And then there's my step-father (Rick). I don't even know where to begin with him. He's always had this Faschist Dictatorship outlook on our relationship, wherein he was the Ultimate Controller. Whatever he said was right, and was to be happily conceded with and never disputed, whether or not he was really correct or accurate. His motto (which he has implied, and sometimes even blatantly stated, countless times) is more or less this: I am right, you are wrong. And this was directed at EVERYONE, but especially me. He would even argue with his in-laws and neighbors. When I was younger, I just took it. I took the lectures, insults, and his general disdain for me with a grain of salt. But as I got older, I started to realize and comprehend his sense of dictatorship and control in the family, and I began to rebel against it. I was no longer going to be the doormat, like my mother, that he so willingly trampled on. I have been determined since then to fight him. No, I didn't enjoy arguing and the many months and years I spent punished and priviledge-free, but I somebody had to stick to the man. But I wasn't just hardcore rebelling- if he DID happen to be right, I was the first person to admit it and back him up. But if I felt, even for a second, that he was wrong about something, I was going to let him know. He became absolutely ENRAGED that I DARED stand up to him and question his authority. He couldn't STAND it!!!!!!! And this fueled my passion even more. My mom and grandparents begged me to just acquiesce, and to keep the peace in the home. That's when I figured out that I actually held quite a lot of control.
I was always a little bit afraid of him. He could just get SO UPSET even over the pettiest of things, and his anger would just engulf him. I was scared that he was just going to come unhinged one day, and attack me or something (and he did get very close some days). I always had my guard up, which proved in itself to be quite the task (gee- no WONDER I had so many issues...). But when that day came, the day I realized that relationships were two-way, and that I had some control, I feared him no more. I was no longer afraid to stand up to him, give him my opinion, and give him a run for his money. He threatened me with just about everything, but I quickly came to realize that he was more bark than bite. It was like a small-scale Civil War, and I was NOT afraid to cross the Mason-Dixon line. After years of depression, fighting, and never getting anywhere, I came to another conclusion. Just ignore him. To me, this was essentially the same kind of tactical warfare, only silent: instead of fueling HIS fire, and causing so much racket, I just ignored him, and defied him. He would still become angered, but this way it wasn't so much on my shoulders, and by that I mean that he would appear to be the bad guy (okay, he really WAS the bad guy here people...), but it would no longer seem that I was causing the problems, which was logical, since I didn't- he only thought I did. He'd appear a madman. When he'd lecture me, I'd nod my head showing him I "agreed" to whatever it is that he might have said (I didn't really listen. I had heard the lectures so many times that I could practically recite them in my sleep). There was no need to listen to his bitter, salty words, and to let them seep into my mind, like an open wound. I was done being hurt by him, and I was going to let him know that.
Anyway, its more complex than all that, and you should know that I've only skimmed the top of this part of my story, but it should explain a lot. I know it may seem that I have made my parents out to be truly horrible and deranged people. You should know that I did my fair share of things to upset my dad (but it was MOSTLY the arguing. I never did ANYTHING truly bad as a child. I was really a compliant child, and put up with A LOT of emotionally disturbed adults and experiences). They are exactly as I have portrayed them to be. They wear masks (no, not literally you weirdo) to conceal this side of them. They appear like perfect and happy people to everyone else, which actually brings me to my next conclusion...

Conclusion #2: My religion. I was raised in a Mormon/LDS house. Despite the times that I knew the spirit wasn't with us, many values and morals were still nevertheless instilled within me. These helped me to always have faith in God, and know that for me, this religion was correct and true. However, something happened a while back that has given me reason to believe the church is not true. It bothered me greatly when Rick was called to be the bishop of his ward. This was a truly religious calling that would require him to be like a "father" for our ward. He would administer callings and jobs, but would also offer advice, counsel, and other forms of support for the people in the ward. Why did this bother me, you ask? Because I feel that for one to be worthy of such a calling, one should first and foremost be a good father to his OWN kids (whether by blood or marriage). I honestly didn't feel that he was a very good father to me. Yes, he clothed me, gave me shelter, and fed me, but are those the only qualifications to be a good parent? I didn't think so. So, therefore, I question the church in calling Rick to be a bishop. Couldn't they see what I saw? If the church wanted someone who wasn't good father (to me) to be the "father" of the ward (which was a HUGE calling), then why would the church be true? Does that make sense? Can you see where I'm going with that?

Well, this is all very deep, and for me to have written this has been very draining. I will continue with my other recently thought-over conclusions some other time. It is nigh impossible that anyone has actually read this entire post, but kudos to you if you did. Leave a comment, will ya?

Auf Wiedersehen.

This last week has been the week of all weeks. I don't even know where or how to begin describing it! I guess I'll just start at the beginning. Its not like anyone reads this anyway. Bleh.

MONDAY: My first class is at 8am. The professor is 15 minutes late, walks in and says (in one breath) "I have a Japanese interpreting gig on Wednesday, so don't come. Read the chapters covering trombone and tuba, and I'll see you next week. Class dismissed." Grr! Music theory sucked. German was good. It was great to see Szalay and all my friends again. Then I didn't have orchestra until 2. It pretty much sucked. I went home and sat alone in my room. I listened to depressing music, "watched" TV (if you could even call it that), and stared at the wall for hours, while thinking about life in general.

TUESDAY: Again, class at 8. German was funny again. We didn't really even accomplish anything. We were just laughing at Rob again. That kid is awesome. He always makes me feel good, and he is one of like 4 people who can make me laugh. I'll never forget that hour. We made Szalay laugh so hard she was bent over, grabbing the desk, and almost crying! Funniest thing in the world. But the fun was cut short, and I had piano class directly after. I do not like that class. I already took it last year. I wouldn't have had to take it again, except I didn't pass last time because I missed like 3 classes. Its a boring class, and the professorin is a female Asian Hitler. Could you blame me for not wanting to go? Neither do I. Later that night, I had to go to my 5:30 mathematics class. It sucked. For as bad as I thought my piano professor was, this professor made her look like freaking Mr. Rogers. This lady was insane. I knew I had to get out of her class asap. So I left during the break. By the time I got home, I was mentally and physically exhausted, frustrated, and starving. I pretty much just crashed on the couch and stared at the TV as it mindsucked me. Bleh. Just wait it gets better....

WEDNESDAY: No 8am class, and because I had severe insomnia problems the night before and couldn't sleep, I decided to bag my 9am music theory class, and catch some extra sleep. So then I eventually pulled myself out of bed and got ready for the day. I hauled over to German class, for which Szalay had decided to change classrooms (long, interesting, funny story). Again, I had nothing else to do until symphony at 2. So I went to the bookstore, bought my math book, and sat and read the first part of "The Language Imperative" by a wonderful author whose name I can't exactly recall at the moment *though I highly recommend the book. Sehr interresant*. I got to leave orchestra at 3:30, because I'm not going on the tour to China. That made me happy. I was just not in the mood to attend orchestra. Because I had changed my math class, I had to go to my new class that night from 5:30-7:20. It sucked. The professor talks like Napoleon Dynamite's stupid brother. Its kinda funny. I was tired afterwards. I wanted to go to the comm center and play pool, but I was just so tired I didn't know what to do with myself. I caught my second wind later that night, and Hava, Jessica and I ended up nuking a PB&J sandwich in the microwave. It stunk, and we had to open up the door and the windows. It was really funny. Then we went out in the hall and messed around with some flyers and left some pink straws out in the hall. Not for any particular reason. Just for random fun.

THURSDAY: Screwed going to percussion, though I definitely should've gone. Its not exactly a good thing to miss that class. No sir. German was okay. Szalay needed some properly functioning EXPO markers, and since I'm a teacher as well (and I have like a thousand of them), I brought her 3 to keep. She kinda fought it, and made me feel kind of embarassed. But my guard was kinda down, and I've been mega-depressed anyway, so its not like it really mattered. Then I was done with school for the day, and I don't really recall what I did for the rest of that day. I went over to Laurie's though, to drop off some sheet music that I needed her to return for me, since she was going past the store on her way home the next morning. Later that night, I cooked some rice. It was okay.

FRIDAY: I had mt that morning, which is a terribly mindboggling way to start one's day off. Then I had billiards class directly after. I love that clas. I'm not very good at all, but I had learned enough from watching the 2004 WPBA tournament reruns that I knew more or less what was going on. I think I impressed the teacher (always a good thing). I bought the World Billiards rules handbook, and as I was going over it during lunch, it seemed really cool, but majorly confusing. Oh well. I've only had one class, so you can't expect me to be pro, can you? Masterclass sucked ass, and so did string rehearsal. I had an hour b/w orchestra and my stupid string project meeting, so i just sat in the chair in my living room and stared at the ceiling, thinking. I believe I was thinking about music being my major. I have really been hating it this last week. At one point, I seriously wanted to quit, and just stick with German. And then I was freaking out, because music has been a major part of my life for like 11 years, and I couldn't just STOP!!! Well, its not like I'd actually quit music... I just wouldn't major in it. But I later (somewhat) decided to stick with it, because I didn't want to let down DP or Szalay, or my peers or family. Stupid peer pressure!!!!!!!!!!  *shakes fist at lousy peer pressure* Anyway, I spent the duration of the night being bored out of my skull.

SATURDAY: After getting a lousy nights sleep, I eventually woke up and showered. After having a major anger attack at Jessica (who wasn't actually there), I cleaned our bathroom and my room. I'm so pissed that she's as lazy as she is. I've cleaned the bathroom and the living room and kitchen a million times, and she never does ANYTHING! Now I may not be the cleanest person in the world, but I sure as hell never let things get as filthy, stinky, and altogether putrescent as she does. Gross. Then I went to the mall, because that would calm me down. I had a momentary public relapse as I discovered that the only music store around had just been randomly closed down (bankruptcy? poor profits? law suit?). So I went to Hot Topic and bought a Jack Skellington poster for $1.59. Great deal or what? Then I went to Hollywood Video and rented SLC Punk, and bought some popcorn, Mountain Dew, and candy (I know I REALLY shouldn't have, but I needed SOMETHING to do yesterday). However because stupid Angie wouldn't leave OR watch the damn movie with me, I had to wait until 11:30 that night to watching the cursed flick. So I went down the compy lab for 3 1/2 hours. [Narration: This is me. Isn't my life completely boring and hopeless? I hate it. I'd sell my soul to the devil himself for a better life. Better in any way. I really didn't care- as long as it got me out of Utah]

Today I've been bored out of my skull as well. I've pretty much just spent 6 hours in the compy lab today, doing nothing. Oh, but I DID do my laundry today. But I also did something bad. I really don't have very much money at all (like $20), but I had to go get quarters for laundry. So I went to Smith's and bought a Vanity Fair magazine (okay. I usually don't ever buy this magazine, but it was a limited special edition with a huge article on Star Wars. It had a 4-page foldout with all the major characters from EVERY Star Wars episode. Thats right. Everyone from Padme to Chewbacca to Luke to the Emporer to Qui-Gonn. It rocks!), and some Starbursts, and then got my extra change. And that's pretty much been it. Yeah- it sucks being me.

And speaking of which, I've really been confused as to who that is lately. You know- I thought I had that figured out once, but now I'd be hard-pressed to believe it. I've just been really stressed thinking about everything. Life, school, family, friends, music, German, professors, my lifestyle, my future, etc. My head hurts, and I've been really (and I mean noticeably) depressed lately. Oh well. That is all for now. I will continue this neurotic conversation later.

Auf Widersehen.

Hello, dear Mundanes,

I am here again to bring you yet another pathetic and despondent blog entry. Hey- its what I'm good at, right? So, dear muse, what is going on in your life, you ask? My answer: not much. Not much at all. Spring semester is beginning tomorrow, and my feelings towards that are mixed. I'm looking forward to seeing Szalay, and meine Freunden from my Deutsch class, but that's pretty much where the Skittles trail stops. I'm not looking forward to taking music theory, or starting violin lessons again, or orchestra, and ESPECIALLY string project. i don't mind the experience and the pay, but i just hate it!  i hate that its so late in the evening, and i just get frustrated with my fellow teachers as well as the students sometimes. its just more work than i'm willing to put in at this current point in my life (which is very pathetic, mind you). Lately, I've been feeling more depressed than I think I've ever been (which is pretty star depressed- let me tell you). I've had no desire to be sociable, desirable, or ANYTHING. I've pretty much just wanted to watch spy movies, listen to techno/heavy metal/goth/industrial music (which is actually great, in a weird way), and eat. I don't think any amount of Prozac can fix me. So why am I so depressed? Let me lay it out for you: 1) Sean is gone, and I don't hear from him very much. 2) My parents hate me, whether they admit it or not. They don't understand who I am or what I like, and they hate everything that I take an interest in. (No need for detail, you and I have had this conversation before). 3) I am REALLY in debt. $2000 for my car and around $2000 for my violin, and I can't even count how much money I owe for rent and books and fees, etc. And I have to pay that off, and I want to be earning my own money so I can pay my own rent, and by myself a decent good-looking car, and be successfully self-sufficient. 4) Sure, I passed all my classes last semester, but I didn't get as good of grades as I hoped to get. Actually I raised my GPA back to a 3.0, and that was pretty much my goal, but still, I should've done better. Oh well. 5) That being my segway, I would like to point out how, again, a large amount of serious and depressing things are clouding my mind. This is what I call "spring semester syndrome." This means that I always get crappy grades during spring semester, because my mind is too preoccupied with things like poor family relations, no friends, severe lack of money, debt, too much stress from the music department, rude roommates/hypocrites, and I could go on. Doesn't that suck? I thought this year was going to be different, but I've been so depressed this last month, that I know I stand no chance. AND..... on top of all that... I have a serious heart problem. It doesn't beat regularly (ie: the chambers don't open and close correctly), and its overactive (and by that, I mean that it will accelerate for no reason, and it hurts), and worst of all, lately it is giving me a problem that I can only label as a quasi-heart-attack. (Read: I think that both valves are opening [instead of top, then bottom], and it feels like my chest is tightly contracted, and i can't breathe for a few seconds, and it feels like my heart is not so much beating rapidly, but it is instead quivering, like it doesn't know how to beat, or when) Isn't that scary. So I called my parents the other night, freaking out, and asked what I should do (my dad is a physical therapist). He just suggested that I should go to a physician and have them run some tests and EKG's. I wanted to wait to see if it happened again, but I'm thinking that I should just go in. Whether or not I have the "quasi-heart-attack" again is not the problem. My heart has a murmur, and that is serious enough, and I need to do something about it.

Man I'm long-winded sometimes. I have just completely disregarded the normal paragraph structure for my entries lately- sorry! Anyway, that's pretty much it. I pity the two of you who have even read this far, and who even bother to read ANY of my entries. Good for you anyway. *hands them a cookie*

I'm genuinely sorry for posting so much apathetic despondency lately, but this is pretty much the only place I have to turn to, so thank you for reading and perhaps understanding. I hope you understand that I don't mean to be so negative. I am a lost girl in a big, frightening, evil world. I am just trying to figure myself out, and life, and boys, and just how everything works. I want to end up a good person in the end, but I want to make my own mistakes first, and experience things because that, ultimately, will shape me. Not my upbringing, not advice, and not my religion (which I am currently questioning). I'm just trying to figure out where I am supposed to fit in to the whole grand scheme of things. I don't know right now, and I need help. I am depressed, because I feel like I don't have anyone to help me. And I tend to push people away, minus a few exceptions, so that doesn't help me. Anyway, yeah. Story of my life. I'm a trooper, a survivor, and I think I'll make it through in the end. You won't really enjoy paradise if the road there was paved in smooth gold and velvet, whereas the man whose road was paved with bumpy trials and tribulations will enjoy it more. Wow- that was a REALLY bad metaphor. Allow me to apologize again. *apologizes and blushes* I'm not doing anyone a favor by writing this all, so I must away.

Auf Wiedersehen.

So its 4:27 in the morning, and I am not asleep. I'm barely starting to get tired, and my eyes are only dry because I've had my crappy contacts in for over 48 hours. I kind of decided that sleep is futile, and I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping, just because I have nothing better to do. And speaking of having nothing to do, I haven't done a DAMN thing for the past 4 days- and its been pretty glorious. Sure, I'm bored as ever, but I have to cherish my last week of school and obligation free time. None of my roommates are back yet, so I've pretty much had the apartment to myself, which is nice. Its just nice to be ALONE sometimes. I've had the opportunity to watch whatever I wanted to, and listen to whatever I wanted to, without worrying about disturbing or upsetting my roomies. Its quite nice. No parents, no homework, no annoying roomies, no NOTHING. I rearranged the furniture and posters in my room yesterday, for lack of anything better to do.... again. I like it better this way. More room. Okay, I'm getting tired, but its probably more because I'm tired, than from actual boredom. So I was thinking the other day that I should talk to Sean about what happened between us 2 years ago in California. I really hurt him, but I was SO stupid and immature then. I just didn't appreciate him. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and have him. Don't think for one minute that I absolutely don't kick myself everyday for doing that to him. I think about it everyday, and it hurts me. I wrote him a "mock" letter yesterday discussing this very topic, but I just don't know when to give it to him, or if I even should. I mean, he IS on his mission, and they're really discouraged from having girlfriends, and stuff of the like, because it sidetracks them, and messes with their head and emotions, and probably even makes them homesick. I would NEVER want to do that to him. Not ever. So I just don't know. I REALLY want him to know the truth, and how I have felt about it, but I don't want to freak him out. He seems to get freaked out easily, and I refuse to jeopardize our friendship and put it through more hell than I already have. I'm just confused- don't know what to do. And also, I'm afraid that me and Szalay's relationship has climaxed, and is now in "reject-Suzanne-and-push- her-away-and-ignore-her" mode. It happens with EVERYONE I meet and happen to take a liking to. It'll go great for a short-lived period of time, and then it goes to hell, and the person ends up hating me, though I never did anything to them. Oh well. I'm definitely used to it by now. It was nice while it lasted, and she really helped me along. God bless her always for her kindness and patience with me. :) And I'm still kind of mad at my parents. I just wish they understood me. They have never seemed to take a liking to anything that I have enjoyed, and they almost seem to enjoy making me feel like the outcast and odd man out. Then they hold that against me, and make me feel even worse. I think they have terrible personalities, and I would give my left lung to have better more appreciative, loving, understanding parents. And frankly, I'm FUCKING DONE with step-parents. They're evil. Well, that's about all I have to ramble on about. My life sucks. Everyone hates me and is out to get me. I am a priest God never paid.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Happy New Years, tout le monde!!!!

I'm finally back up at school, away from my family. I just had to get away- they were being very unfair to me, and treating me poorly. Oh well. On a better note... I finally got a letter from Sean!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) I was so excited- it was definitely the best Christmas present I got, even over the new violin and car! I was just getting ready to send him a letter chewing him out aboug not writing me and leading me on, and then I got his letter. So then I had to go and rewrite my original letter and mail it to him. I'm going to write to him much more often this year. He deserves it, and he has definitely redeemed himself by writing to me!!!! Ever since I got his letter, I've had this goofy grin on my face. I know I'm still in love with him, and I will always carry him in my heart. I love him.

Anyway, I was bored yesterday, so I went to the mall and bought some black Converse sneakers (yes, the ones EVERYONE has). I finally caved into the pressure of a trend. Though I want you to know that I liked them well before EVERYONE started wearing them, and I only bought them because I finally had enough money to, and I like them. So maybe I DIDN'T cave into the trend, after all. Well, other than that adventure, yesterday sucked. I was alone, and so I watched "Taking Lives" "xXx" and a whole crapload of TV. I took a nap (oops) from 7-10pm, so then I was up until 3:30. Kinda sucked, and then I wake up at half to 9, and that sucked even worse. Oh well. And I don't have any plans for today, and there is nothing to do (and I REFUSE to practice violin), so I have no clue what I'm going to do today. And I'm out of money.

So I rented "Kill Bill, Vol.1" the other day and "The Company." I strongly advise to stay away from the latter. It sucks major brick. I was excited that there was another ballet-related movie out, but I did not enjoy this film. There was NO plot line (even when I say that, I am being generous), and too much modern ballet. To me, as a big Romantic, I enjoy watching more of the lyrical and classical ballet. It is just so much more passionate and beautiful. Sure, I appreciate the hard work and the themes of modern ballet, but it just is not beautiful to me. It is cold, and I just can't relate to that. Anyway, the movie sucked. As for Kill Bill, they could've cut down on how many times the F bomb was dropped, and the potential rape scene. That was just unnecessary. And maybe I'm a bit of a wimp, but I just didn't enjoy all of the blood. Normally, I am all for a good violent scene in a movie (and a big war movie), but this was over the top, ludacris violence. Again, I would've enjoyed more plot, and less F words and blood, but overall, I will say that I enjoyed the unique style of the movie, and the acting. The choreography was also great, and I did enjoy what plot there was, so I would give this movie a B-. (Note that I am not qualified in any way to review or recommend movies)

Well, thats about all I have to say for my life lately. I also got a Johnny Depp poster, of him in POTC. He is so gorgeous, and such a great actor!!!!! (NOTE: I have loved Johnny Depp for many, many years before he went mainstream, so don't you dare think that I'm another one of those shallow teeny-boppers who like everyone who is in their little magazines!!! I am an original Depp fan!!!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!)

Auf Wiedersehen.