Man, what the HECK???? I am feeling SO depressed today. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like I am the most ignorant person in the world; not to mention the most unwanted, and the ugliest, stupidest. I have no confidence in my self-image. I feel really fat (I weight about 152. You decide. Is that fat? I think its huge.), and I don't like any of my personal features. I always feel like I'm being outdone. I know there are  people out there who are much better looking, more talented, more desireable, more successful, more beautiful... and I can't help but sit here and wish I had everything they have. Occasionally, a day will go by where I feel pretty good about myself. On those days, I'm a little more confident in my skills, looks, and potential. You can see it on my face. Likewise, you could tell that today, just by looking at me, I'm having the worst day ever. In all actuality, its been like the worst week ever. Its undescribable. I am also currently feeling like a big reject, a big failure, and a big disappointment. I'm seriously doubting whether ANYONE truly likes me right now, if even a little bit. I always feel like I must be the person who is the comedic relief, or the person who has all the right answers and should NEVE R be a disappointment, or the person who is this or that. I always feel as though, if I don't live up to every expectation that every person has for me, I will be an unwanted failure. And honestly, that is my biggest fear. Sometimes its hard for me to have motivation to do ANYTHING, because I'm too stressed by the above mentioned mindset. Am I too hard on myself? I think I'm too laidback about everything, personally. And I get REALLY mad at myself for not being productive. For example, I haven't practiced violin for about two weeks. Now, I do enjoy a good practice session, but for some reason I dread MAKING myself go practice. And I can be a procrastinator. But the ONLY things I EVER procrastinate on are math, and huge (boring-topic) essays. I'll do just about everything else on time/at a decent rate. But I wish I WASN'T that way. I wish I was perfect. And I feel guilty for skipping classes. I was doing absolutely super, attendance-wise, during the first part of this semester, but now everything is being thrown out the window. I have skipped math about 3 crucial times, which I feel absolutely terrible about. :( And I have not gone to 2 classes of Music Theory. Geez. Maybe its the morning? I believe that some mornings bring out the worst in me. [n] Is it normal for people to not have any desire to complete certain tasks, or go to certain meetings/classes? Or am a lone, incompetent slacker? Man, I suck. :( IDIOT!!!

Anyway, I feel that somewhere, deep down, I am a good person. Perhaps I deserve good things, and good people in my life. I just wish I could have more confidence. I think that would help me solve a lot of things. And I think I could have confidence if I looked better. I get a fair amount of compliments here and there, but I'm hard-pressed to believe them. I always feel like people are lying to me. I know exactly why I have that problem, and I wish that I could get over that, and get on with my life. And for most of my life, I've had most (like 85%) of my family members, as well as kids that I went to school with in Elementary school & Junior High, tell me that I'm stupid, and that I'm ever going to succeed or amount to anything, and that I'm too fat, and that I will never be beautiful, and that no man will ever want to marry me because I am a horrible person. Gee- I guess I've never really thought about all of this with such depth. MAN I have problems. But I guess it would be fair to say they are not all my fault. Actually, most of them are, but my lack of confidence obviously stemms from a horribly underloved childhood. Do you think it would be fair to say that?

Anyway, that was all kind of draining, but I actually feel a little bit better. Man, I love writing. I'm not a great writer, but nevertheless, it still helps me make sense of some things. Thank you- anyone- for reading this. I would appreciate it if anyone could leave me a little response saying, perhaps, something small but kind to cheer me up a bit. Thank you much!

Auf Wiedersehen.

my current mood is unsettled, and somewhat low-spirited. i just found out that sean is writing to everyone else but me. i think he hates me, and that- of course- makes me most sad. he means so much to me, and has always been so perfect... why would he not write me? i often set aside my time to write to him, and he knows how much he means to me, so what is going on? is this a sign? are we never supposed to be together? never supposed to be friends? have i missed my opportunity to be with him? i kind of hate him right now. oh wow- i don't think i've ever been so despondent in my entire life as i am now. way to go bucket- you just ruined my day...

i refuse to use the shift key tonight. this is all very "e.e. cummings," and i don't care if you hate me for it.

besides from that huge piece of depression- i suppose everything else is going moderately well for me: school, familial relations, german, friends, music classes. but just moderately- never great. not for me. i feel as though something weird is going on between me and els- like a conflict, but not really. i suppose i don't know how to explain it! it feels as though something isn't right between us. this entire day has really made me feel out of "alignment" with everything. i hate days like this! [n] on the other hand, i did just get a "a-" on my german midterm, and that is good news for me. i've been kind of secretly mad at my mom lately, for several reasons. but what is weird is that she always just ignores it, and tries to brush things over and hide them. as long as we just make small talk, we get along. i don't think she ever really listens to me. she doesn't even know what i'm majoring in or what classes i'm taking. that is rather depressing! and i've been too bummed lately to practice violin. i can't remember the last time i practiced it! oh well. i didn't even go to lessons on tuesday. i didn't even tell him i wasn't coming to lessons- i just didn't show up. i've also become slightly despondent about teaching, too-- at least today. i have recently acquired another violin student, and i must say that she frustrates me to no end. i believe she has adhd, and needs an attitude adjustment. i try to have the patience of Job with her, and i try to give her as much encouragement as possible. i can tell that she has potential to be good, and i want to do everything in my part to help develop her talent! it is a dream of mine to have a really talented student- like a virtuoso or something. maybe my little japanese student will be that way. he's so smart- i never have to tell him anything twice! he just remembers it right as i tell it to him: it is really quite remarkable! at any rate, i think it would be great to be the teacher/mentor who fostered some child's musical talent(s)! don't you think?

whatever. i'm done rambling. my life has kind of hit a lull. everything feels out of sorts, and it seems as though everyone is out to get me. but i'm kind of a naturally paranoid person sometimes anyway. i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe i just need to sleep it off? well, the weekend is nearly upon me, and i hope by next week i can be feeling better. after i take my music theory and tympani tests, that is. bleh.

i miss sean, and i hope he doesn't hate me. if he doesn't write to me within the next month, i will surely have a mental relapse, and become incurably despondent. can you believe how much i freak out over this boy? can you see what he means to me? its incredible.

auf wiedersehen.

Wow- its been such a long time since I've posted. (Not that it matters- I don't have any dedicated fans or anything....)

I feel like I have really changed in the last few months, and that it has been for the better. I have really strived to become a more informed person. I always hate when I feel stupid (and by that I mean, I hate when I don't know the answer, or when I feel left out because I don't know [about] something). I've also tried to be a much better student, attending all of my classes, and being a dedicated student. I've tried to practice violin more, and to really care about it, and focus on improving. I'm going through a rough phase right now, though, but it is for the better (and I won't go into detail. Please just take my word for it).

Familial relations aren't so hot right now, but honestly I don't really care. I respect my family, and I do care about them, but I just don't look up to them very much, and I have finally come to accept that I am very different from them, and will never really fit in. That is completely fine with me. I know that I will lead a much better and more exciting life than ANYONE in my family!!!!! I refuse to sell myself short, and lead a simple routine life, like my mother (and like most other people in my family). I want to get a PhD. Why? Because out of ALL 4 sides of my "family," I would be the first female to have obtained one, and probably the first person ever. Wouldn't that be cool? I know that I have the potential, the brains, and the dedication to do it, and that it probably wouldn't even be that hard for me. I know I have a lot of talent, and smarts, but sometimes I just suffer from major self-confidence problems, and I'm afraid to believe in myself. But I think I am done with that. Why, you ask? Well, I guess I can tell you, though I am afraid that I will jinx my extraordinary stroke of luck: My biggest wish has come true. Me and Szalay are finally at the stage of being "friends." How did this happen? Well, last week there was the German midterm test, and I just wasn't feeling quite on top of things, so I went to Szalay's evening course, just for the extra review. After class, I waited till everyone else had left, because I wanted to thank her for letting me come, and to give her some feedback about the class (cuz I just like talking with her). She was gathering all of the her stuff up, and I offered to help her. So then we're walking out to her car, and she offers to give me "a ride" over to my car (oh- she's so cute!) Then we pull up next to my car, and we were just talking and talking. She says something like "You're so smart. I know you can go far in your life. You could be going to Harvard! You deserve the best! You deserve a good marriage, kids, and all the success in the world!" It was the NICEST thing anyone has ever said to me, and it has given me all the confidence in the world. Words cannot express how much she has meant to me. Considering all of things I have had to go through, and all of the people and events I have had to deal with, it is just nice to have someone who has unconditional care and support for you. I'm just waiting for her to kind of "flip out" and begin ignoring me, like everyone else has. It is most unfortunate that I have to think this way. Anyway, she is precisely what I need in my life right now. I just need someone to be there and support me, and build my non-existent confidence, and believe in me. No one has ever done that for me before, and I've really struggled with just about everything, but now everything is okay. She says that I'm an "intellectual" and that she really enjoys talking with me, and that "we should go out to lunch sometime." I'm absolutely ELATED about that. Maybe this is all too fantastical for you, and maybe I'm obsessed, but is it wrong for me to have taken a liking to someone who likes me back? I don't really think so.

Sean has been in Tokyo for quite sometime now. I, of course, have been terrible at writing him. I've only written him once since he left. I have most of another letter written, but I just have to finish it and mail it. Believe it or not, I've actually been REALLY busy this past month. I've picked up two new violin students (putting me up to 3), and I've remained much busier and more productive. Anyway, my life sucks, but I don't really mind it so much right now. I'm only frustrated that I have no money, and that my family bugs me.

Auf Wiedersehen.