So I've been really grumpy and depressed lately. I blame my family, and society as a whole. I just feel like I'm always getting crapped on, and that I'm underappreciated, unloved, and unwanted. I would just like to fit in with my family, and not have them so angry and confused at me all the time. I just wish that my mom (well, my whole family) would accept who I am: my personality, my interests, my spirit, my independence, etc, etc, etc. They just don't. You see, my mom is the perky, fashion-slave, cheerleader, clean-freak type.  Everything has to be perfect and organized and expensive and her way, or she can't handle it. She really loves my youngest sister, because she is like her little clone. My little sister is the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, little replica. She does gymnastics and dancing, just like my mom did, and does whatever my mom wants. And my mom can't stand me, because I'm my own person. I form my own thoughts, and I'm more interested in music and travelling and education and being easygoing. I have come to understand that life is not about having the perfect hair and the perfect body and the perfect kids and appearance in general. Life is about learning and growing. I think we are meant to go through life, travelling, gaining education, and-- through mistakes and trial and error-- learning how to be a better person. Am I wrong in thinking that?

And another thing-- I have this thing about not wanting to get married for a couple of years, probably not until about 25 or 27. My parents got upset at me the other night because they don't think I am feminine enough (read: I don't wear eight pounds of lipstick and hairspray like my mother, nor enough pink, lace, flowers, and I hate "trendy" things), and they asked me if I am gay. Now, that really offended me! Just because I'm not into trends and excessive makeup does NOT make me a lesbian. They asked me why I'm not, and I pointed out that 1) its not my style, and 2) I don't really WANT to look "perfect" right now, because then I probably WOULD find some great guy, and then he'd ask me to marry him, and I wouldn't be able to say NO, and then I'd be married at 19. My point being that I AM NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE!!!! I'm not mentally ready. I want to have most or all of my degree finished before I start seriously dating. I want to have financial security. I want to have my own place, my own car, and my own little life started. I want to have travelled the world a little bit before I settle down. Am I wrong for wanting to enjoy my youth, and not selling my soul to marriage before I'm even old enough to gamble or drink? WELL THEY THINK SO.

Anyway, this whole thing really just has me worked up. I was so worked up about it last night, that I could hardly even sleep. And they wonder why I'm so bitter all of the time....

Auf Wiedersehen.