So its 4:27 in the morning, and I am not asleep. I'm barely starting to get tired, and my eyes are only dry because I've had my crappy contacts in for over 48 hours. I kind of decided that sleep is futile, and I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping, just because I have nothing better to do. And speaking of having nothing to do, I haven't done a DAMN thing for the past 4 days- and its been pretty glorious. Sure, I'm bored as ever, but I have to cherish my last week of school and obligation free time. None of my roommates are back yet, so I've pretty much had the apartment to myself, which is nice. Its just nice to be ALONE sometimes. I've had the opportunity to watch whatever I wanted to, and listen to whatever I wanted to, without worrying about disturbing or upsetting my roomies. Its quite nice. No parents, no homework, no annoying roomies, no NOTHING. I rearranged the furniture and posters in my room yesterday, for lack of anything better to do.... again. I like it better this way. More room. Okay, I'm getting tired, but its probably more because I'm tired, than from actual boredom. So I was thinking the other day that I should talk to Sean about what happened between us 2 years ago in California. I really hurt him, but I was SO stupid and immature then. I just didn't appreciate him. I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and have him. Don't think for one minute that I absolutely don't kick myself everyday for doing that to him. I think about it everyday, and it hurts me. I wrote him a "mock" letter yesterday discussing this very topic, but I just don't know when to give it to him, or if I even should. I mean, he IS on his mission, and they're really discouraged from having girlfriends, and stuff of the like, because it sidetracks them, and messes with their head and emotions, and probably even makes them homesick. I would NEVER want to do that to him. Not ever. So I just don't know. I REALLY want him to know the truth, and how I have felt about it, but I don't want to freak him out. He seems to get freaked out easily, and I refuse to jeopardize our friendship and put it through more hell than I already have. I'm just confused- don't know what to do. And also, I'm afraid that me and Szalay's relationship has climaxed, and is now in "reject-Suzanne-and-push- her-away-and-ignore-her" mode. It happens with EVERYONE I meet and happen to take a liking to. It'll go great for a short-lived period of time, and then it goes to hell, and the person ends up hating me, though I never did anything to them. Oh well. I'm definitely used to it by now. It was nice while it lasted, and she really helped me along. God bless her always for her kindness and patience with me. :) And I'm still kind of mad at my parents. I just wish they understood me. They have never seemed to take a liking to anything that I have enjoyed, and they almost seem to enjoy making me feel like the outcast and odd man out. Then they hold that against me, and make me feel even worse. I think they have terrible personalities, and I would give my left lung to have better more appreciative, loving, understanding parents. And frankly, I'm FUCKING DONE with step-parents. They're evil. Well, that's about all I have to ramble on about. My life sucks. Everyone hates me and is out to get me. I am a priest God never paid.

Auf Wiedersehen.