Hello, dear Mundanes,

I am here again to bring you yet another pathetic and despondent blog entry. Hey- its what I'm good at, right? So, dear muse, what is going on in your life, you ask? My answer: not much. Not much at all. Spring semester is beginning tomorrow, and my feelings towards that are mixed. I'm looking forward to seeing Szalay, and meine Freunden from my Deutsch class, but that's pretty much where the Skittles trail stops. I'm not looking forward to taking music theory, or starting violin lessons again, or orchestra, and ESPECIALLY string project. i don't mind the experience and the pay, but i just hate it!  i hate that its so late in the evening, and i just get frustrated with my fellow teachers as well as the students sometimes. its just more work than i'm willing to put in at this current point in my life (which is very pathetic, mind you). Lately, I've been feeling more depressed than I think I've ever been (which is pretty star depressed- let me tell you). I've had no desire to be sociable, desirable, or ANYTHING. I've pretty much just wanted to watch spy movies, listen to techno/heavy metal/goth/industrial music (which is actually great, in a weird way), and eat. I don't think any amount of Prozac can fix me. So why am I so depressed? Let me lay it out for you: 1) Sean is gone, and I don't hear from him very much. 2) My parents hate me, whether they admit it or not. They don't understand who I am or what I like, and they hate everything that I take an interest in. (No need for detail, you and I have had this conversation before). 3) I am REALLY in debt. $2000 for my car and around $2000 for my violin, and I can't even count how much money I owe for rent and books and fees, etc. And I have to pay that off, and I want to be earning my own money so I can pay my own rent, and by myself a decent good-looking car, and be successfully self-sufficient. 4) Sure, I passed all my classes last semester, but I didn't get as good of grades as I hoped to get. Actually I raised my GPA back to a 3.0, and that was pretty much my goal, but still, I should've done better. Oh well. 5) That being my segway, I would like to point out how, again, a large amount of serious and depressing things are clouding my mind. This is what I call "spring semester syndrome." This means that I always get crappy grades during spring semester, because my mind is too preoccupied with things like poor family relations, no friends, severe lack of money, debt, too much stress from the music department, rude roommates/hypocrites, and I could go on. Doesn't that suck? I thought this year was going to be different, but I've been so depressed this last month, that I know I stand no chance. AND..... on top of all that... I have a serious heart problem. It doesn't beat regularly (ie: the chambers don't open and close correctly), and its overactive (and by that, I mean that it will accelerate for no reason, and it hurts), and worst of all, lately it is giving me a problem that I can only label as a quasi-heart-attack. (Read: I think that both valves are opening [instead of top, then bottom], and it feels like my chest is tightly contracted, and i can't breathe for a few seconds, and it feels like my heart is not so much beating rapidly, but it is instead quivering, like it doesn't know how to beat, or when) Isn't that scary. So I called my parents the other night, freaking out, and asked what I should do (my dad is a physical therapist). He just suggested that I should go to a physician and have them run some tests and EKG's. I wanted to wait to see if it happened again, but I'm thinking that I should just go in. Whether or not I have the "quasi-heart-attack" again is not the problem. My heart has a murmur, and that is serious enough, and I need to do something about it.

Man I'm long-winded sometimes. I have just completely disregarded the normal paragraph structure for my entries lately- sorry! Anyway, that's pretty much it. I pity the two of you who have even read this far, and who even bother to read ANY of my entries. Good for you anyway. *hands them a cookie*

I'm genuinely sorry for posting so much apathetic despondency lately, but this is pretty much the only place I have to turn to, so thank you for reading and perhaps understanding. I hope you understand that I don't mean to be so negative. I am a lost girl in a big, frightening, evil world. I am just trying to figure myself out, and life, and boys, and just how everything works. I want to end up a good person in the end, but I want to make my own mistakes first, and experience things because that, ultimately, will shape me. Not my upbringing, not advice, and not my religion (which I am currently questioning). I'm just trying to figure out where I am supposed to fit in to the whole grand scheme of things. I don't know right now, and I need help. I am depressed, because I feel like I don't have anyone to help me. And I tend to push people away, minus a few exceptions, so that doesn't help me. Anyway, yeah. Story of my life. I'm a trooper, a survivor, and I think I'll make it through in the end. You won't really enjoy paradise if the road there was paved in smooth gold and velvet, whereas the man whose road was paved with bumpy trials and tribulations will enjoy it more. Wow- that was a REALLY bad metaphor. Allow me to apologize again. *apologizes and blushes* I'm not doing anyone a favor by writing this all, so I must away.

Auf Wiedersehen.