my current mood is unsettled, and somewhat low-spirited. i just found out that sean is writing to everyone else but me. i think he hates me, and that- of course- makes me most sad. he means so much to me, and has always been so perfect... why would he not write me? i often set aside my time to write to him, and he knows how much he means to me, so what is going on? is this a sign? are we never supposed to be together? never supposed to be friends? have i missed my opportunity to be with him? i kind of hate him right now. oh wow- i don't think i've ever been so despondent in my entire life as i am now. way to go bucket- you just ruined my day...

i refuse to use the shift key tonight. this is all very "e.e. cummings," and i don't care if you hate me for it.

besides from that huge piece of depression- i suppose everything else is going moderately well for me: school, familial relations, german, friends, music classes. but just moderately- never great. not for me. i feel as though something weird is going on between me and els- like a conflict, but not really. i suppose i don't know how to explain it! it feels as though something isn't right between us. this entire day has really made me feel out of "alignment" with everything. i hate days like this! [n] on the other hand, i did just get a "a-" on my german midterm, and that is good news for me. i've been kind of secretly mad at my mom lately, for several reasons. but what is weird is that she always just ignores it, and tries to brush things over and hide them. as long as we just make small talk, we get along. i don't think she ever really listens to me. she doesn't even know what i'm majoring in or what classes i'm taking. that is rather depressing! and i've been too bummed lately to practice violin. i can't remember the last time i practiced it! oh well. i didn't even go to lessons on tuesday. i didn't even tell him i wasn't coming to lessons- i just didn't show up. i've also become slightly despondent about teaching, too-- at least today. i have recently acquired another violin student, and i must say that she frustrates me to no end. i believe she has adhd, and needs an attitude adjustment. i try to have the patience of Job with her, and i try to give her as much encouragement as possible. i can tell that she has potential to be good, and i want to do everything in my part to help develop her talent! it is a dream of mine to have a really talented student- like a virtuoso or something. maybe my little japanese student will be that way. he's so smart- i never have to tell him anything twice! he just remembers it right as i tell it to him: it is really quite remarkable! at any rate, i think it would be great to be the teacher/mentor who fostered some child's musical talent(s)! don't you think?

whatever. i'm done rambling. my life has kind of hit a lull. everything feels out of sorts, and it seems as though everyone is out to get me. but i'm kind of a naturally paranoid person sometimes anyway. i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe i just need to sleep it off? well, the weekend is nearly upon me, and i hope by next week i can be feeling better. after i take my music theory and tympani tests, that is. bleh.

i miss sean, and i hope he doesn't hate me. if he doesn't write to me within the next month, i will surely have a mental relapse, and become incurably despondent. can you believe how much i freak out over this boy? can you see what he means to me? its incredible.

auf wiedersehen.