Man, what the HECK???? I am feeling SO depressed today. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like I am the most ignorant person in the world; not to mention the most unwanted, and the ugliest, stupidest. I have no confidence in my self-image. I feel really fat (I weight about 152. You decide. Is that fat? I think its huge.), and I don't like any of my personal features. I always feel like I'm being outdone. I know there are  people out there who are much better looking, more talented, more desireable, more successful, more beautiful... and I can't help but sit here and wish I had everything they have. Occasionally, a day will go by where I feel pretty good about myself. On those days, I'm a little more confident in my skills, looks, and potential. You can see it on my face. Likewise, you could tell that today, just by looking at me, I'm having the worst day ever. In all actuality, its been like the worst week ever. Its undescribable. I am also currently feeling like a big reject, a big failure, and a big disappointment. I'm seriously doubting whether ANYONE truly likes me right now, if even a little bit. I always feel like I must be the person who is the comedic relief, or the person who has all the right answers and should NEVE R be a disappointment, or the person who is this or that. I always feel as though, if I don't live up to every expectation that every person has for me, I will be an unwanted failure. And honestly, that is my biggest fear. Sometimes its hard for me to have motivation to do ANYTHING, because I'm too stressed by the above mentioned mindset. Am I too hard on myself? I think I'm too laidback about everything, personally. And I get REALLY mad at myself for not being productive. For example, I haven't practiced violin for about two weeks. Now, I do enjoy a good practice session, but for some reason I dread MAKING myself go practice. And I can be a procrastinator. But the ONLY things I EVER procrastinate on are math, and huge (boring-topic) essays. I'll do just about everything else on time/at a decent rate. But I wish I WASN'T that way. I wish I was perfect. And I feel guilty for skipping classes. I was doing absolutely super, attendance-wise, during the first part of this semester, but now everything is being thrown out the window. I have skipped math about 3 crucial times, which I feel absolutely terrible about. :( And I have not gone to 2 classes of Music Theory. Geez. Maybe its the morning? I believe that some mornings bring out the worst in me. [n] Is it normal for people to not have any desire to complete certain tasks, or go to certain meetings/classes? Or am a lone, incompetent slacker? Man, I suck. :( IDIOT!!!

Anyway, I feel that somewhere, deep down, I am a good person. Perhaps I deserve good things, and good people in my life. I just wish I could have more confidence. I think that would help me solve a lot of things. And I think I could have confidence if I looked better. I get a fair amount of compliments here and there, but I'm hard-pressed to believe them. I always feel like people are lying to me. I know exactly why I have that problem, and I wish that I could get over that, and get on with my life. And for most of my life, I've had most (like 85%) of my family members, as well as kids that I went to school with in Elementary school & Junior High, tell me that I'm stupid, and that I'm ever going to succeed or amount to anything, and that I'm too fat, and that I will never be beautiful, and that no man will ever want to marry me because I am a horrible person. Gee- I guess I've never really thought about all of this with such depth. MAN I have problems. But I guess it would be fair to say they are not all my fault. Actually, most of them are, but my lack of confidence obviously stemms from a horribly underloved childhood. Do you think it would be fair to say that?

Anyway, that was all kind of draining, but I actually feel a little bit better. Man, I love writing. I'm not a great writer, but nevertheless, it still helps me make sense of some things. Thank you- anyone- for reading this. I would appreciate it if anyone could leave me a little response saying, perhaps, something small but kind to cheer me up a bit. Thank you much!

Auf Wiedersehen.