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| 04.11.05 (10:47 am) [edit] |
it won't stop. time won't stop. assignments and priorities won't stop. and i always feel as though i am running out of time, and that i am never accomplishing anything. it is completely depressing. and i must also add that i have been feeling increasingly lackadaisical about everything. i slept for what must have been 13 hours (not all at once) yesterday. i did have good intentions to clean my apt, and read a few books or whatever, but i cannot say that i did so. i was completely broken yesterday; incapable of being put back together.
it, i believe, is merely end-of-the-semester stress trying to slowly kill me. i feel tired 100% of the time, and while i have honestly perfect intentions to be productive... i'm just not. i am a bad person.
i think i would feel better if i wrote to sean. i haven't lately, partially because i've just been too tired, and also because i do not believe that he wants to hear from me anymore. he hasn't written me since december... i do, however, have reason to believe that he may not have been receiving my letters, as i forgot to label 'USA' on the envelope. i hope that is the case. that way, he will think i've been flaking out, rather him receiving the letters, and NOT wanting to respond. not that either, choice is great though. i need to write him!
i've also been going through a period of self-loathing. it is very intense, and i am really struggling with my confidence and self-image lately. it has actually probably become excessive. i hate it, and i wish i could just NOT care, or just look differently, but i am afraid that it does not work like that.
i will also say that i am struggling from stress about school. i am worried about upcoming finals, and whether i will do well on them, and whether i'll find an accompanist in time for juries, and when i can apply/register at SLCC, and whether or not i'll get a job(s) that will allow me to earn enough money to pay for next year, and become more independent. and i worry that my summer will be entirely terrible, due to me having to live with my stepdad for the summer. we REALLY don't get along, and i hope he doesn't try to ruin my life again. i really wish he'd just back down and leave me alone. how much business could he possibly have, pertaining to me and my life? not much, or even none, i hope. bleh.
okay, i am hungry, and also awaiting an email, so i must away. wish me luck at my percussion concert tomorrow night, and wish me luck with everything else in my dramatic life. *hugs*
Auf Wiedersehen.
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